Ewww and Yuck!
According to the latest gossip reports, Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston are expecting a human dookie bubble! Yup, the baby is going to be born with webbed feet and one eye because Whitney is on a smorgasboard of drugs. Is the woman ever not wasted? No. She hasn't seen sober since 1989.
I'm sure Bobby's sperm is chock-full of drug residue! Those two breeding, scary thought. Isn't Whitney like forty five years old by now? Seriously! Procreating is risky business.
For your viewing pleasure, here are some photos of daughter Bobbi Kristina's
birthday party. I wonder what baby no. 2 will be named? Armani Escalade is my guess.
Anna Nicole in court
Supremes Sympathetic to Anna Nicole
Meanwhile, Anna has obviously been the plastic surgeon's office for her day in court. She looks exactly like Baywatch's Gina Lee Nolin!
If I were headed to court to battle for billions, I too would get my face redone, hire a professional team of hair stylists and makeup artists to make me look like a Baywatch girl. I would even show up in a red bathing suit. Id get botox up the butt if it would help me win the case. Anna Nicole didnt administer enemas to her two -hundred year old, drooling, dying husband out of LOVE. It's all about the cold hard cash.
Just a tip, when you go to court for your deceased husbands fortune, you must primp and diet and look your best. Show cleavage! False eyelashes are a must. It helps not to show up drunk and don't slur your speech.
Gina Lee or Anna Nicole? They are interchangable!
To a certain Kernal Fishy Dish,
We here at Conversations About Famous People, Fashion and Writers notice that you really love our style. We notice that certain creative nuances find a way into your website. As the old saying goes copying is the best form of flattery. That being said, we are flattered. Very actually. In the future, give a shout out our way. Karma can be a nasty thing and we would hate to see you burn down every lovely bridge!
The Powers That Be
Oh lord, its Janice
Janice going long for a football pass...
I don't mean to be rude but she obviously just farted and thinks its really funny.
Singlehandedly trying to bring back the clumpy mascara look. Not to mention the grapefruit boobs of yesteryear. Remember when they were popular? Me neither. Looks painful!
Judging from the photos of Janice Dickenson, I'd say she was drunk or high or both. Janice loves a good party, even before the actual party begins! I bet she's been snorting something as well. Sometimes I think if I met Janice I might be frightened of her. I fear she may bite my shoulder or gauge out my eyeballs. Don't you think?
I's havin' a baby!
Britney is in New Orleans for Mardi Gras... Now show us how you get the beads!
Britney Spears is adding the proverbial fuel to the fire, igniting rumors that she is pregnant with another little greaseball. She went shopping at Shabby Chic (with nanny in tow carrying Preston or whatever they call him) and announced, “Y’all, I’s pregnarnt wif number two!” she held up three fingers and proudly edplained why she was dressed in a sloppy shirt and drawstring pants. Which would explain why Kevin ran to the hills to get high with his posse of hip-hop buddies. According to msnbc.com's The Scoop, "She was throwing up and had stomach cramps. She's pregnant."*photo courtesy of JJB
I demand a refund!
The entire time I was watching Madonna perform at the Grammy's, all I could think was that I was a fat jiggly pig who is much younger than Madonna and in much, much worse shape. Her thighs were as tight as my fist around a bunch of twenty dollar bills. You could bounce coins off her face it was so taut.
Seriously, when I watched her, I had to put down my reading material, (Lotsa de Casha) and take it all in. From the tight arms to the flat abs, to the strong legs and wrinkle free face...gah! I then vowed to starve myself and work out like, ten hours a day until I was forty-seven years old and in as good shape as her royal Madge.Then...
I read a little something which makes me want to act like an Aiken fan, fooled by the ageless pop star, rabidly pursuing a lawsuit for having the wool pulled over my crows feet lined eyes. Yeah, well, remember a little incident with a horse not too long ago? And how she was rushed to the hospital and so on and so on. We all felt sorry for her and sent along freshly baked scones and canisters of imported tea with get-well notes? Seems that bitch was actually having plastic surgery!
Yes. A little lipo here, a nip there, a tuck and a removal of fat. Cheek implants, perhaps. Botox for sure. We've been swindled!
So if Gwyneth Paltrow should, "fall off her horse in the English countryside" and suddenly appears fit and busty after giving birth to baby Spoon, rest assured she went to Madonna's plastic surgeon.
Tell me, are those boobs real or fake?
Hilary Swank keeps raking in the money. Isn't being a two time Oscar winner enough? She’s come a long way from playing a single on Beverly Hills 90210, that’s for sure. Now Hilary has signed on to become the face of a new Guerlain fragrance. She will be earning an estimated $5 million for three years of print and television ads. Whats that, maybe five days of work? She would have been a fool to say no. I see why Chad Lowe is trying to work out their marital troubles, that girl is a cash cow!
For the paltry sum of one million dollars, I would have gladly done the work... but no one asked me.
Poor George Michael!
He was found passed out in his car near Hyde Park on Sunday. When police searched his car, they found "cannabis, tranquilizers and painkillers." He was taken into custody by the police and examined by a doctor, then held for seven hours and released on bail.
George could end up in jail: "Anyone convicted of having Class C drugs can be jailed for up to two years and face an unlimited fine, according to the Home Office (interior ministry) Web site."
Take heart George, Kate Moss is now on top of the world after her kerfluffle with cocaine. Maybe your career will get a boost from this incident!
National Geographic Boobs
That's the oddest and most unattractive chest I've ever seen.
This is what I refer to as National Geographic boobs
. You know when you were younger and were curious what real boobs looked like? So maybe you got a hold of a National Geographic and paged through the photos of tribal women with plates in their lips and giant spears through their earlobes checking out their drooping breasts that reached down to their waist? The boobies were long and flat like Eeyores ears
, you know? Well, that's what Star's boobage reminds me of. Yuck! Has she been breastfeeding a tribe?
Not to pick on Star but her head is enormous! Al's got a big of a shine going on and might benefit from some blotting papers. That's the least of his problems. After all, look who he's married to!
Brit N' Kev
I like to wear tiny socks with capri pants. Nothing worse than the visable gap of skin and socks. Try Peds! Or flip-flops when you were short pants. A little fashionista tip from moi.
It's hard being a mommy! You totally have to tell the nanny exactly what to do.
Nanny must walk two feet behind at all times. That was a tip given by Courteney Cox Arquette! Show that nanny who's boss!
"Damn, I wish we hired that Swedish au pair
Just kidding, he didnt really say that! He doesn't know what an au pair is.
First thought: Kevin looks like he's got worms all over his head, snaking down around his neck. The appearence is entirely unpleasant. Sorry, I'm simply not attracted to him any more. Yeah, there were times in the past where those baggy manpris had me going but it's over now. Over!
Second thought: I can't help but think his scalp is greasy and smells like a dirty pillow. How do you clean a head like that, with a baby wipe? Or do you just you know, shampoo all over? Do you scrub the skin with a toothbrush? I'm very much into being clean and smelling nice. Anyway I'm glad to see his sweatshirt is Polo. He is spending Britney's money on designer clothes, investing in quality items he can take with when she sends him packing.
You know the stress of a new baby can wear down even the most secure marriage. That's why Britney and Kev are going to marriage counseling. Very proactive. It was a brilliant suggestion on the part of the therapist to suggest Britney go to Hawaii with Little P and the nanny and Kevin take a hike in the hills of Malibu and smoke weed with his rag- tag crew of pals. Nothing brings two people closer than being far apart....
Mariah Carey's new jewels
You probably expect a jewelry line inspired Mariah Carey to be very elegant, like exquisite baubles from Tiffanys. You would be wrong. Her earrings etc. are as sophisticated as Jessica Simpson's slut shoes. Heavily gold plated, shoulder dusting earrings abound!
If your wardrobe includes lots of spandex and half shirts and you like to wear pants so tight that people can read your lips, this collection is for you. Click here to view
Thanks to Brian
for bringing my attention to this umm...lovely collection.
Jen to Vince: I want to get pregnant NOW!
The National Enquirer is reporting that Vince and Jen are experiencing trouble. Like I've said before, building a house on sand would last longer than a Hollywood relationship. Okay, I've never said that but it makes sense, don't you think?
Jen is having second thoughts about the relationship. This has nothing to do with Vince’s long nostril hairs or his flubby stomach. Jen wants to get pregnant NOW but Vince isn’t ready to start a family. Yes, he is in love with Jen, and what's not to love? She has pretty hair, lots of cash and a nice body. But she’s moving too fast!
Her biological clock is ticking like a time bomb. Vince would rather get married and take his time with impregnating Jen but she doesn’t want to make a lifetime commitment to him . This seems kind of backwards to me but then again, what do I know? Nothing.
She should do what any modern woman would do in a situation like this: get a lesbian lover and buy that sperm Vincent Gallo has been peddling on ebay. See, problem solved!
Tom and Katie, Part 36
"See? We really are in love!"
This photo makes me want to vomit up my lunch. Its puke-worthy.
Katie is getting bigger than Tom. Or else he is shrinking from giving himself too many sonograms. The alien inside is not meant to be seen via modern technology!
"Don't do it Katie! Don't jump!"
Katie Holmes was set to go to Columbia University but kept changing her mind. She deferred her admissions due to taping Dawson's Creek and finally-recently- decided she was not going to attend the prestigious school. Look, you simply don’t need a degree when you are Thetan Clear. Columbia, Shlumbia.
At the time of her acceptance, Katie’s dad mailed in the non-refundable $500 fee. According to TMZ, now eight years later, Katie’s dad is asking for his money back! I can't believe the gall of some people. Eight years! It was non-refundable, hello! Just ask Tom for the money, he has enough of it.
In other Holmes news, Tom is dragging Katie around insisting that all is fine with them after Life & Style ran the story about their split. He is insane. I expect Mission Impossible III to bomb at the box office. The only reason I would see it is because Keri Russell is in the movie. Incidentally, the movie is due out in May and Katie is due to give birth to her green alien spawn with horns, when? IN MAY. Tom is so calculated and publicity hungry! What an attention whore. He'll probably bring the baby to the premiere of his movie for more press. I bet he breast feeds. In public.
Although doctors have urged Katie to stay home and rest, Tom is squiring her around the world, holding on to her for photos, his fingers digging deeply into her flesh, forcing her to smile. “WE ARE STILL A HAPPY COUPLE!” he cries out to anyone who will listen.
Tom is telling people they are in the midst of making wedding plans. I think it would be neat if everyone dressed as their favorite alien for the wedding. I would totally go as ALF.
Nick vs. Jessica
Nick cannot even afford to buy sleeves now!
Tell us your true feelings Jessica.
Contrary to popular belief, Jessica Simpson is not dating Adam Levine. Obviously their relationship was of booty- call caliber. Adam isn’t ready to date only one girl. He’s taking a turn in the revolving door of young Hollywood and still has yet to date Mischa Barton and sleep with Paris Hiton.
No, Jessica is rumored to be dating Mike Alexander, her trainer. While she was busy filming that crappy movie, Pukes of Hazzard, Mike was “personally training" her. Hmmmm. This makes a lot of sense. He has been comforting her in her time of need.
Mike has been hanging around her new mansion in Beverly Hills. He tries to leave early in the morning but the paparazzi people are hanging out in the bushes, snapping photos of him as he slinks away. We know the truth!
In other news, Nick is going after Jessica during this divorce. He wants half of everything she makes which is estimated to be $35 million a year. Millions of dollars for designing hoochie shoes and nauseating belly- button perfumes. I swear, there is no justice in the world. Jessica was the one who broke up with Nick for no good reason, crushing his heart into boy band sized pieces! I believe its all orchestrated by the grand puppet master himself, Joe Simpson.
David Beckham may be pretty to look at but he is as dumb as a bag of rocks. A ha! This explains the attraction to Victoria who claims she’s never read a book. Together they make as much sense as dirt.
Becks should not have admitted the following but he did so he is ripe for the making fun of. He said his six year old sons homework leaves him stumped. Adding and subtracting sure is tough. Gah! Quick, whats 50 + 32? I know! It's hard shit. My head is going to explode!
Becks can't figure out the math so he does he call? His equally simple- minded wife who naturally whipped out her calculator, handed it to her personal assistant and had them do the work.
Gorgeous and perpetually young Heather Locklear must be into method acting. She is negotiating a a deal for a role in a new show called Women of a Certain Age
. Heather would play a recently widowed woman who “embarks on a new life” which is similar to real life, as she will soon be a “recently divorced woman” embarking on a new life. A single life, without her
philandering rock star husband around. I say musicians are good for one thing and it's not marriage. They are good for rough sex and hair products. Duh, thats two things. I've never met a rocker who doesnt have an industrial size can of aerosol hairspray.
In Hollywood, people don’t stay married or divorced for long so expect an engagement within the next year. Seriously! Her and Jessica Simpson should go on a double date with Fabio and Bruce Willis.