THE END -----for now-----
I've decided to take a break from this gossip blog for a while. I'm busy with other things in my life and cannot give you the juicy celebrity news you want. The news you deserve. I'm working on my novel, doing some volunteer work, taking care of two kids, two dogs...getting manicures and spa treatments, going to movie premieres and hanging out with A-listers. Plus I'm kind of running out of ways to say Paris Hilton's coochie is stretched out like the Grand Canyon and that Tom Cruise has brainwashed Katie Holmes and Scientology should be catalogued between Science Fiction, Alien Studies and comic books. Angelina is in Africa and who cares about Jennifer Aniston, I mean who really gives a shit? Oh, and how many times can Tara Reid beg to be taken seriously while doing shots off the belly of a male stripper? I tried to end the blog several months ago- remember?- but I was flooded with emails that poured in like a river of vodka in the world's biggest martini glass. I kept doing it- early in the morning and late at night leaving not too much time for other stuff like shopping and getting my legs waxed. And tanning. Oh right, and sleeping. Overwhelmed with all that is going on right now, I must take a break and not put pressure on myself to spend time scouring the news for information about famous people when I should be paying attention to other things, like uh...my kids. They really do need to eat one meal a day at least. I'll still be doing the writers blog focusing on books, reviews and interviews trying to infuse the site with humor and fun stuff. My passion is writing and reading and promoting authors and surrounding myself with fun, creative people that inspire my imagination. Oh all right. The truth is, I'm going to the Scientology Compound out in the desert region of Hemet California and you may never hear from me again! Love~ Distressed JeansPS. If you have something unkind to say and feel compelled to post a nasty comment, please refrain from doing so because it won't do you any good. Go take a Xanax and read Dlisted, PopBytes or Tabloid Whore which are awesome blogs. Cheers!
Suri has arrived!
 The baby is here! The baby is here! Announcements are being trumpted all over the internet! Katie finally had that baby after being pregnant for sixty weeks. Hers is the longest pregnancy I've ever witnessed! And the strangest. She is now free to wear those stilettos boots she was eyeing up at Barneys last week. Baby Suri was born today weighing 7lbs 7ounces. That's a small size for a kid born with long hair, teeth and needing it's nails clipped. What kind of a name is Suri? I'm sure its got some SciFi meaning. As you know Katie is not allowed to hold Suri for a week! While Katie is in seclusion, Tom will be chowing down on some ripe placenta and enjoying a side dish of jerky that is the umbilical cord. I can't wait to see how this kid will look nothing like Tom! And you can bet that Tom will be whoring Suri out for his publicity blitz for MI:3! I'm thinking Suri was born 2 weeks ago weighing six pounds but the media has put pressure on Katie to produce the baby. I sure hope Katie doesnt need any anti-depressents! Oh, can reprogrammed post-natal fembots feel sad or is their emotion chip decoded? And in other news Brooke Sheilds gave birth to her baby girl too! Dont look for Suri to be playing with baby Grier any time soon!
BOOKS
Because its a slow news day, and I mean gossip news, I had time to update my Conversations With Famous Writers Blog.I just completed an interview with the wonderful author Lisa Tucker (not the American Idol girl) as well as an entry about the book, Marley and Me. Have a look-see. And feel free to share your dog stories under the Marley and Me post. Happy Easter to my lovely readers!
Nice pillow, goosedown?
That frappacino better be decaf! 
Katie, can you hear me? Her dead eyes smack of interplanetary shenanigns.
 That pillow is huge! Must be California king sized! There are many conspiracies about Katie these days. I thought she had gone into hiding to have that baby like two weeks ago. I bet she did. She is totally post- partum and shopping for shoes to quell her depression because you know she isnt getting any pills! Im certain Tom will announce the brith of their twelve pound baby on May 3 when his movie opens. The other theory is that Katie has not yet given birth. She looks enormous. If that's not a pillow then it's a Thanksgiving Day turkey under that dress. You know that kid is not going to look a thing like Tom Cruise, favoring instead the biological father who is Tom's "special friend" and head of the Church of Science Fiction.
Celeb encounters..
 "Hi, I'm cheap!" She probably expects free stuff. Why do the celebs always get freebies? 
You may not think so, but David thinks he is still hot stuff. Well, he is...in Europe!
I love it when I get emails from people with real life celeb encounters. Don't you love juicy tidbits about our favorite stars? This came from Catherine, thank you!
A friend of mine who works at a resort in Maui was telling me about some of the silly celebrities she's been helping and she said she recently (last week or so) helped David Hasselhoff! She said that he was actually a bit of an ass! She told me that he was covered in age/sun spots all over his face and body, and she figured they must use a LOT of makeup on him to cover it all up. He looked old.
Also, she told me that over New Year's she spoke to Ashlee Simpson several times, and that on New Year's Eve there was a special dinner party at one of their hotel's restaurants called, "Nick's." My friend told Ashlee that the price was about $125 or $150 per person, and Ashlee complained that that was too expensive, and said, "but we're not going to eat that much." She didn't go to the restaurant.In conclusion, David is a jerk with badly sundamaged skin and Ashlee is a penny pinching cheapskate!
Before they were famous: Sarah Jessica Parker
  It's hard to tell if Sarah J had a nose job or not based on these photos. The folks over at Awful Plastic Surgery seem to think so. She defintely had some work done on her teeth. You would never guess from these pictures that she would grow up to be a famous actress!
Sister Kate of the Cocaine Convent
 Kate Moss "insists her sex life is non-existent despite rumours she is has rekindled her romance with Babyshambles rocker Pete Doherty." Probably because the drugs have ruined his ability to "perform." She told Marc Jacobs that she is living like a nun these days. Sure, she's pretending to live like Sister Magdalene in the convent. Kate is a nun like I am a Amish woman! female first
Wax figures!
 These two wax figures of Lindsay and Paris look a little manly. The hair extensions are hiding candle wicks at the top of their heads. Nice hand on hip poses. Draws attention to LinLo's black painted nails. Hey- they should be chipped and bitten down! And where's the birth control patch on Paris Hilton's torso? You call these life-like?
The Daily Ugly: Val Kilmer
 Val Kilmer used to be kind of hot. What happened? Old age and drug bloat, that's what!
FLASHBACK
 This movie made me cry. Corey Haim, what a cutie he was in a dorky kind of way. Remember how popular he was? He was making movies all the time in the 80's. This movie featured a very young Charlie Sheen (pre-sex addict) and Courtney Thorne Smith played his cheerleader girlfriend. It's such a shame that Corey had to resort to selling his wisdom teeth and hair clippings on ebay to fund his drug habit!
Pink Kicks the Bucket...
 You know how I feel about animals. I love them! So when PETA was talking about the extreme cruelty to the chickens at KFC, I listened. I drove thru the KFC window about once every three months and ordered mashed potatoes, biscuits and cole slaw but you know what? No more. Singer Pink agrees and has signed on to speak out for the cause targeting Kentucky Fried Chicken in their Kick the Bucket campaign. PinksPage.com, Pink writes: "PETA is simply asking KFC to modernize its methods and stop boiling birds alive in the defeathering tank and stop pumping them so full of growth drugs that they cripple under their own weight." And no, I don't think breast implants are tested on chickens. I know my breast implant testing commentator was going to mention that. No worries -chickens are safe from the silicone.
Violet Affleck rushed to hospital
 Jennifer Garner is nervous about giving birth on screen in the television show, Alias. She expresses her fears saying, “I think it is going to be an incredibly embarrassing day…I can't even imagine being in front of my crew. ..I still get embarrassed any time I have to not have my clothes on around them, because those are my guys. They are all like brothers or father figures, so it will be a rough day for me." The director should make her have a nice, neat c-section where there is no pushing, grunting or groaning involved. Or else make her a Scientologist who sucks on a pacifier while the baby quietly slides out! Jen has nothing to be embarrassed about. All she needs to do is think back to the time when J. Lo pooped on Ben Affleck (remember this story!) and then she’ll know the meaning of the word embarrassing! In other Affleck Family News, baby Violet was taken to the hospital because she couldn’t breathe! Drs. took good care of her and now all is fine. They tested 4 month old Violet for asthma and allergies and calmed her down. Nothing worse than a trip to the ER with an infant! I hope she's okay! Jen and I are tight, I'll probably bring over some Del Taco or an equally gourmet meal to help out. But back to J. Lo. Maybe there's more gross J. Lo stories out there. I know why she doesn’t want that book to be published by her ex-husband….kind of makes you think that Jennifer Lopez has more secrets she doesn’t want shared! Like weak bowels.
Mandy loves AI
 Mandy Moore and Zach Braff love American Idol so much that the two were actually upset that they didn’t catch this past weeks competition. Zach and Mandy attended the premiere of Mandy’s new movie, American Dreamz which looks hilarious. I can't wait to see it. I don't get to the movies very much so I guess I'll have to wait for it on DVD. You see, I don't like to go out in public. Its the paparazzi, they simply won't leave me alone! Mandy admits that she and Zach never miss their favorite show and had to set their Tivo so they wouldn’t miss Kellie Pickler's dumb act and Paula’s drunk act. Mandy says, "It's my obsession on Tuesdays, so we have it on TiVo tonight. … I'm desperate to get home and flip to my favorite people to see how they did." Well, Mandy, Bucky didn’t do so well. I hate to kill the suspense for you in case you didn’t see who got voted off but don’t be looking for the warbling Buckster to sing next week. And after that..buh-bye Ace!
Theres a little rumor...
 ..there's a rumor floating around that Katie Holmes may have already given birth. In Tom's mansion with a Scientology approved mid-wife of course! Sources say that Katie hasn't been seen in about five days and people are speculating that her bundle of galactic goo will make its debut when Mission Impossible III lands in theaters. Tom is such a publicity whore with calculated moves. Planning a birth around the release of your movie for more press? Ridiculous. Inseminating your beard with the head of Scientology? Outrageous. Making fun of Tom Cruise and his wacky ways? Priceless!
Ashlee wins awards
 is that microphone coming out or going in? In a strange twist of events, Ashlee Simpson beat out Madonna at the MTV Australian Video Music Awards. I know! I had to read it three times making sure something wasnt missing from that statement. Best Female Artist award went to Jessica’s sister, not the psuedo-British icon known simply as Madge. I cannot believe it! I always sort of thought that I had more talent and a better singing voice than Ashlee. And I have the voice of an angel on crack! Ashlee didn’t won just one award, she won two! She went home with the award for Best Pop Video for that song Boyfriend. I wonder how Joe Simpson finagled this? He is more powerful and better connected than I initially thought.
more Tom...
 Tom Cruise will appear live at Times Square in New York City for a taping of TRL on MTV. The movie star/freak will then hop on a motorcycle, then a speedboat, helicopter, sports car and subway before arriving in Tribeca to the film premiere. Just like Jeff Probst carrying the results of Survivor at the grand finale! How ridiculous is that? Very! He forgot to commendeer a police horse as his final mode of transport. Katie better pop out that baby –quietly- before he does his press junket or he won't be there to hold an ether- soaked cloth over her face to silence her. Tom’s producing partner chuckles as she says, “ Tom has always enjoyed finding new ways to connect with fans!” Like telling them he’s appalled at their drug usage and calling them glib. Get your squirt guns ready, New Yorkers. In other news, Tom has done an interview with Diane Sawyer in which he spews forth more intergalactic nonsense. He admits he will let Katie have an epidural but says he did not buy her an adult pacifier to keep her quiet. Baby Extraterrestrial Cruise will not have a Catholic baptism in case you were wondering. Damn, I was hoping Liz Hurley would wear another low- cut, skin tight gown like she did for the Cruz Beckham baptism. Tom goes on to admit that Katie is indeed a Scientologist and her parents are peachy keen to the idea of their daughter being brainwashed and mentally beaten down. I sort of embellished that last part. In another interview, Tom says the following which made my own vagina go into hiding, "Great sex is a by-product, for me, of a great relationship, where you have communication and it's an extension of that. Where it's just ... free. And that's how it should be. It's spectacular. If you're not in good communication with your partner, it sucks." I wish I had interviewed Tom Cruise. It would have been explosive! I would have spent equal time alternating between laughing at his behavior and defending my anti-depressent usage which he finds as appalling as a Catholic schoolgirl taking Tylenol. I bet he would have called me something much worse than GLIB.
Ryan throws a tantrum
  First Ryan Seacrest admitted to being a chubby teen who watched Oprah and ate nachos after school, now he’s throwing a hissy fit reserved for a two year old. Paula Abdul in a moment of coherence, says that Diva Seacrest was absolutely fit to be tied because he was not included on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. All three judges are on the cover and Ryan was ignored. He got the latest botox shot for nothing! Ryan is actually on the cover- a teeny tiny picture of him on a book in Randy Jackson’s hands. Paula said, "He's down there. I guess that didn't go over very well. I heard he's plenty mad." In response to the photos of Ryan kissing Teri Hatcher, Paula had this to say, “He only kisses the mirror." Meow! She's just bitter because he won't date her. I think I see a love triangle developing between Simon, Ryan and Paula. Run, Randy, run before they suck you in!
Ring ring...are you wearing panties?
 The View cohost Elisabeth Hasselbeck is getting crank calls by some woman with a southern accent. Could it be Dolly Parton? Some chick is calling Elisabeth and “harassing the family.” The Hasselbecks told the New York Daily News, "This is a malicious attempt to harass our family." The phone stalker should be calling Star Jones and harassing her instead of Elisabeth. I can't wait until Star is no longer on television, she makes my ears ring and my eyes bleed. Seriously, she does, thats why I don't watch The View unless I'm laying on the couch feeling queasy to begin with. Barbara Walters, who wears a wig, a diaper and false teeth, thought the phone calling weirdo was someone who didn’t like Elisabeth's politics, or didn’t like a comment Elisabeth made. Or didn't like her husband or her baby. Or didn’t like the clothes she wore. Or her voice. Or her hair. Or the way she ate. Or drank. Or blew her nose. Basically Barbara is no crack FBI agent, clearly the caller hates Elisabeth! I bet the prankster is none other than Gay Al Reynolds. He is a fantastic impersonator!
Not so interested!
 that straw bag is hideous! 
Julia Roberts is being turned down as the new face of Christian Dior perfume. Why didn’t Dior call moi? I'm always available to be a spokesmodel and just like Julia, I have a big wide smile with gleamingly white teeth. I bet Christian Dior rethought their choice when they realized that although Julia cleans up well, she usually looks like a hobo in baggy jeans and unbrushed hair. And Dior has an image to uphold and that image isn't of a bohemian actress with dirty feet in Birkenstocks, no matter how wealthy she is.
It's not like Julia needs the money for the modeling gig. She’s being paid $35,000 a week for the Broadway play, Three Days of Rain, and ticket sales are up to $7 million in large part to her debut in the theater. Christian Dior made the call not to have Julia be their perfume pusher even though the stuff won't hit stores until 2007. A statement from the company went a little something like this: “Not so interested anymore.” That's just plain cold!
Angie to Jen: Stop Whining!
Angelina’s good friend, no not me, but a gal by the name of Tonya Hart (not Tonya Harding) told the British Star mag that Angie thought JA was dragging out the breakup with Brad. In other words, get over it! Jen swears she’s turned the page but months later she’s still lamenting over Mr. Architectural Digest.
Tonya gossiped about Angie, which is what good friends do, saying that Angie made gagging noises and moaned, "Oh my God, it makes me want to throw up! She shot her mouth off and Oprah took it all in... They were all against Brad and me from that moment on... She wanted people to feel sorry for her that her marriage was down the pan. Brad and I couldn't defend ourselves." She didn’t moan or gag, I added that for mental imagery. I bet she at least rolled her eyes towards the heavens and wished Jennifer had kept her mouth shut. There are two sides to every story (or divorce) and we have yet to hear Brad's- I think it goes a little something like this..." Jen is very demanding. She didn't like to get dirty, she whined a lot. She was always with Courteney Cox. She didnt want to have a baby. Plus, she did coke and pot is my illegal drug of choice. I never cheated on Jen....well, I did have some naughty thoughts of Angie but I didn't act on them ...right away. Now come over here and tell me what you think of my Le Corbusier chair." Tonya stirred the pot a little more saying, "Ange told Oprah she was extremely upset with her and wanted nothing to do with the show, even though Oprah reportedly said, 'Don't bear a grudge against me."
In other words, Oprah hon, don’t look for Angelina to make a guest appearance on your show anytime soon. Well, unless of course she has a movie to promote!
Celebrity Coupling
 Ashlee Simpson and Barbara Mandrell. No, seriously who is responsible for Jessica's huge honky tonk coif? Did Ken Paves have the night off? I can't believe Im going to utter these words...Ashlee looks... -gulp!- good. Jessica looks matronly! Who's picking out her clothes? Not her dad because she doesn't look super slutty.
These two are so wild! I bet they paint each others nails with black polish and do all kind of kinky things like sleep naked on a bed of fiery coals. ALl right, thats not kinky thats just strange. Dave Navarro's beard reminds me of pubic hair bush. I wish he would cut it off!
 Kate Moss and Lindsay Lohan are total BFF! I hope Kate can introduce Linds to someone just like Pete Doherty.
Quiz! Which one of these girls has the vial of cocaine hidden in a nook or cranny of her body? There is no right answer. It's a trick. They both do! Girls like them are quite crafty. And by saying 'girls like them' I mean coke addicts!
Kyra and Kevin. She has fantastic boobs. On Howard Stern she swore up and down they were real but after seeing her naked torso in The Woodsman, I have to go with skillfully done implants. His forehead is attacking the camera lens! Kevin never gets proper kudos for his brilliant dancing in Footloose. Sheer genius! Who else can move in skintight jeans like him? No one but Patrick Swayze.
Rande Gerber bothers me and I'll tell you why. First of all, it's the spelling of his name, that annoying e on the end. It's dumb! She should spell her name Cinde. Then they could be Rande and Cinde Gerbre. Gah!
And then I think his chin looks like a handle, a horn, or a telephone receiver. You know I don't like to make fun of people for their physical looks because not everyone has access to a good plastic surgeon with a steady hand and a keen eye for chins. But seriously, I know Randie doesn't read this blog so I can say whatever I want about him.
When Stars Dress Themselves: Lindsay Lohan
  Lindsay is so lost without fashion stylist to Young Hollywood, Rachel Zoe! I hear Lohan is quite the fashionista, but left to her own devices she wears banana yellow shoes and a burgandy purse, whats up with that? Those aren't such heinous crimes. No, its the spandex leggings that make her a fashion felon. I sort of understand where she's coming from though I don't agree. The purse matches the carpet and the yellow goes with the lights on the Saturn behind her. The black is obvious, tires. This is going to be an upcoming question on the SATs so pay attention! Complete the analogy: Lindsay is to Saturn like glue is to ....?
the kooky American Idol kids
 Those wild and crazy AI singers made Freddy Mercury do a double axle in his grave. He was verklempt! The show started with a plop and a fizzle when Bucky failed to enunciate the song lyrics of Fat Bottomed Girls. He did okay. Gave the song a country edge and made it his own. Paula said, "Bucky...you..sang like uh..you did...really did Queen proud and you...oooohhh look like you made it your own tonight." Chris Daughtry, bald guy was up next and sang some song I had never heard before. He is a complete hard rocker. He was typical Chris which was loud and in your face but quietly hot. Paula said, "Chris...ohhhh. Umm...you uh...had amazing vocals and...sang like...good." Kellie "dumb as rocks" Pickler de-hee hawed herself to sing Bohemian Rhapsody. She was all lit up like a jack o' lantern with funky lighting. I guess she was all right, I wouldnt buy the single. She didnt understand something Simon said which is no big surprise since she only completed third grade. Paula said, "You look...uhhhhh...Kelly, I wasnt sure what to think... you ...when I heard... Good job." Ace Young will probably get booted. I don't think he's all that and a bag of Fritos. Seriously. I dont even remember what he sang thats how forgettable it was. Paula said, "Ace, after you get voted off WHICH I WILL PERSONALLY see to, we can go back to my house and I can 'help' with your career." Elliot Yamin, who I so badly want to buy braces for if I could afford to, sang Somebody to Love. He has a great voice. I like that song. I used to sing it before I was married and thought I would die alone in a cold water flat with ten cats. It has a personal meaning. Paula now asked for her vicodin and a bottle of scotch. Katharine McPhee sang something, I guess it was all right. I don't remember because I got up to go eat a plum. When I came back, Paula had started to drool and they cut to a commercial break. Taylor Hicks sang Crazy Little Thing Called Love. He was hopping all over the stage like a jumping bean or someone who has to work off a sugar high. Paula said, "Looksh like you had shome fun out there Saylor....we wash wondering where .....Taylor had gone....hesh back." Paris was the last singer. I thought she did a fine job, the girl has an amazing voice. I dont think she will make it to the final two but I liked her hair extensions. Paula said something incoherent and rambling and nonsensical. The phone rang at this point and I turned the television off. For once it wasn't a foreigner pretending to be American asking me if I wanted to refinance my home. It was Maddox Jolie asking for my help with his new tattoo kit! how could I refuse?
Oprah doesn't really care if you're poor
 I always thought Oprah and I had a lot in common, only separated by one billion dollars and a few thousand miles. But now I know the only teeny common trait we possess is a love of dogs. Oprah is damn freaking stinking rich and has so much money she has hired someone to blow her nose with twenty dollar bills and she treats her fine china like paper plates. Alone she could probably feed the poorest countries of the world and end hunger. Granted, she does a lot with her Project Angel network and shit but then I read a quote like this and it makes me toss back a vodka shot and scratch my head, okay my ass, and wonder...what the hell? "I have lots of things, like all these Manolo Blahniks. I have all that and I think it's great. I'm not one of those people like, 'Well, we must renounce ourselves.' No, I have a closet full of shoes and it's a good thing….I was coming back from Africa on one of my trips...I had taken one of my wealthy friends with me. She said, 'Don't you just feel guilty? Don't you just feel terrible?' I said, 'No, I don't. I do not know how me being destitute is going to help them.' Then I said when we got home, 'I'm going home to sleep on my Pratesi sheets right now and I'll feel good about it.' " Forget it, after that, I'm not voting for her for president.
Flashback
 I've seen this only...well, several times. I wanted to morph into Kyra Sedgwick and move to Seattle and wear cute hats in the rain. Why aren't movies like this being made any more?
Before they were famous: Katie Holmes
 She was cute before she was brainwashed and beaten into submission. Poor Katie!
The daily ugly celeb: Cameron Diaz
Is it wrong to love this photo? I'd like to see more from the Cameron Diaz Zit Face collection.
FREAK-O
 John Travolta believes in luxury airplanes, hair plugs and expansive homes in Hawaii, Florida and California but he doesnt believe in treating autism. Click here to read more. It's disturbing and scary and makes me afraid of Scientology.
Brit better get on Celebrity Fit Club ASAP
 Aside from being investigated by the sheriffs department recently, Britney has some big problemos. Let me back up. I received an email from Kevin telling me he wants me to take a listen to his new song because its mixed like bizqwik. With that out of the way I can address our other concerns about our popstar who is fading like an old photograph. So what if she has a few extra pounds on her frame? We all enjoy junk food, right? Excet for you Gwyneth, I'm not talking to you. All of us regular glamorous fashionistas enjoy the occasional- or daily as the case may be- mocha frappacino. Maybe a bag or six of Cheetos. My point is that Britney is a busy mother, what with driving Sean P. around on her lap and having to rush him to the hospital after he fell out of his highchair and cracked his head on the floor. Gah, y’all! That mayonaisse is dang slippery! Now Brit’s receod label is telling her to lose the extra weight or else her life is going to go down the crapper. Basically she better get good looking again or her career is going to sink like the Popozao single. We can feel her pain. It was just a week ago when Britney caught Kevin buying some weed outside of their Malibu home. Sure it was total grade A, but still. The constant partying, drinking and hanging with the boys is taking its toll. I'm not talking about myself, I mean Kevin. Although I'm tad worn out too. Kevin is pushing for a career as the next Eminem, the next Vanilla Ice, the next pizza delivery guy from Dominos, and he has no time for Britney. She eats to make herself feel better. She should totally visit Heidi Fleiss's new bordello catering to just this kind of scenerio. For $250 you can feel like a real woman again, Brit! However K. Feds ex girlfriend Felicia Fellatio says that BS better get her ass in gear because Kev only likes hot chicks. This girl spews forth words of wisdom like a verbal geyser, "Kev has always had a problem with people who let themselves go. He was determined that he wouldn't go that way and wouldn't be married to a woman who did.” Please pull a Nicole Richie and starve yourself into a dangerously low weight so Kev will be happy! But don't lose the badonkadonk and keep the boobies big. Popozao!
Madonna and Guy have bumps
 I have to be honest with you. I probably couldn’t live with Madonna. Sure, I'd like to play dress up in her closet and take a vacation at her estate in England where I would absolutely feed chickens in my Versace sheath. I would also ride a horse naked because it sounds like fun. Well, with a saddle, obviously!
But I simply couldn’t be around Madge for too long. For one, I'm fond of my New Jersey accent and don’t want to start talking like Queen Elizabeth. For another thing, Madonna is really demanding and kind of mean. And Madonna’s loose lipped father in law agrees with me by saying, "It's the children that will keep the them (she and Guy) together. The children are everything to them. LA seems to have helped them. It's easier out there because there is less pressure. They seem to have left the bumps they were having over here behind them.”
See? They had bumps! I bet they were close to divorce. They were on the verge of breaking up I know just know it. But for the sake of her French speaking children who talk about her in a language she doesnt understand right in front of her face, she plugs along and keeps on truckin'.
Don't you just love that expression? It's so rednecky!
I have to be honest with you. I probably couldn’t live with Madonna. Sure, I'd like to play dress up in her closet and take a vacation at her estate in England where I would absolutely feed chickens in my Versace sheath. I would also ride a horse naked because it sounds like fun. Well, with a saddle, obviously!
But I simply couldn’t be around Madge for too long. For one, I'm fond of my New Jersey accent and don’t want to start talking like Queen Elizabeth. For another thing, Madonna is really demanding and kind of mean. And Madonna’s loose lipped father in law agrees with me by saying, "It's the children that will keep the them (she and Guy) together. The children are everything to them. LA seems to have helped them. It's easier out there because there is less pressure. They seem to have left the bumps they were having over here behind them.”
See? They had bumps! I bet they were close to divorce. They were on the verge of breaking up I know just know it. But for the sake of her French speaking children who talk about her in a language she doesnt understand right in front of her face, she plugs along and keeps on truckin'.
Don't you just love that expression? It's so rednecky!
SHUT IT
 "Glib! Glib! You're being Glib!" Remember the Bee Gees? Weren't they the Glib brothers, you know Maurice, Barry and Andy Glib?
 Look what you started, L. Ron! Are you there God? its me Distressed Jeans. See, every time Tom Cruise opens his mouth and makes a stupid comment, which is pretty often, I start to believe he is the devil. I know this is harsh but it's true. I'm pretty confident he hides his split tail in his little pants. Now Tom is attacking those of us who need the mind altering drugs to get through the day. Of course, I'm not talking about heroin which Pete Doherty can't live without. Or crack, which is Whitney Houston’s drug of choice. Or even a bit of pot smoking. No, I'm not even hinting about the mushrooms…or the ummm...you know. Other stuff.
If you are there, please let Tommy know that some people have a lack of brain chemicals which sink them into a deep despair. Thoughts of suicide and worthlessness ensue. How can you deny the medication which keeps us on an even keel? If I ever come face to face with Tom Cruise it will be a cold day in hell. Or a hot one in outer space which is more likely.
Tom said that prescription pill poppers like myself should think about the harm the pills are doing to our bodies. Alien from the Mothership (which should totally be the name of his yacht) says he has PERSONALLY counseled people who are addicted to drugs. Please keep him away from me because I like my pills. And I know that Tom finds me appalling. Yes I totally know the history of psychiatry. I have my Phd in mental ...uh.. studies. Dude, that’s Dr. Distressed Jeans to you.
Tom addresses horrible people like me by saying, "I think it's appalling that people have to live a life of drug addiction when I have personally helped people get off drugs."
Well la-di-da for you. Gah! He should start a commune somewhere. Somewhere like Planet Fubar. And he can take Star Jones and her new boobs along for the ride.
Russell wants to play too!
Kimora and I had "plans" but damn, we couldn't get rid of that Russell. Every guy I've ever known is super intrigued by woman on woman action. Yeah, the fantasy is Carmen Electra and Adriana Lima and the reality is Rosie O’Donnell and Cynthia Nixon’s girlfriend. Even Russell Simmons is turned on by some naked females going at it. Brushing off rumors about Kimora Lee having a female lover, Russell scoffs, "Some people say Kimora's into girls. Hey, if that were true, I wouldn't have a problem with it!" As if! He’s acting like it would be a jolly threesome when the truth of the matter is if Kimora had a girlfriend, Russell would be far removed from the tawdy goings on. You know what they say, three's a crowd except in boardgames and jump rope. Russ, honey, youre services are no longer needed! This is simply Russell using his defense mechanism to downplay the fact that Kimora is no longer interested in him. He should form a support group with Matt leBlanc’s ex. And maybe they could be joined by Nick Lachey. OMG I've been hit with a stroke of brilliance. I'm having a vision of a reality television show called Celebrity Support Group. Bitter exes airing their dirty laundry about their former spouses, that is what I call must see tv!
Quick Links
 Look at those legs! Thanks for inspiring me to work out, Lisa Rinna! Carmen Electra vibrates her way to being fired from Max Factor! Scandalous. Star Jones was inches from death! Oh ...Joy Behar would have been thrilled! Naomi Campbell will talk to Oprah but only if she leaves her cell phone at home. Jlo, sued! Lawsuits are really hot these days. Everyones doing it! Jessica Simpson really wants to be in Dallas. Daddy better make it happen!
The Daily Ugly Celeb
 I don't think Teri Hatcher is ugly. But she does have Ryan Seacrest cooties and those alone can make a person ugly. Just kidding! I came across the above photo and it caused me to flinch. I KNOW. We all take bad photos. And this, this is really bad. Maybe she had pink eye at the time of the picture. Perhaps she is recovering from eye surgery. I think she just got a botox shot in her delicate eye area and is having a reaction. Her face is immobile! Wait- she's melting!
FLASHBACK
 This was the best movie. I loved Amanda Peterson. Check out how cute she is! I watched this over and over. This was early Patrick Dempsey before he got hot on Gray's Anatomy. What ever happened to Amanda?
Harsh!
 I've tried telling Tara Reid, it's not that she's stupid. I mean, she keeps insisting she's smart, okay I get it. But come on Tara. You're not dumb but like drugstore perfume, you're cheap. And quite frankly, you smell. Like an ashtray at a bar at closing time. Its the overly self tanned face and the hard core crimson lipstick that suggests for ten dollar you give blow job behind the dumpster at the 7-11. That was harsh! I'm sorry Tara. But you need to think of your image. You look like you could be the mother of a passel of unruly children living at the trailer park waiting for her welfare check. I hate to be mean but you've got lots of money and could really turn things around. If you wanted to. Which I kind of think you don't.
Kate's hat
 Everyone is always asking what I look like. Well, see Kate Beckinsdale above? I look nothing like that. But I must say her outfit is something I would wear. However, I absolutely would not be caught dead with a knitted cozy on my head! My grandma keeps a roll of toilet paper in one of those things. Someone made it for her back in 1978. The hat thing and the cigarette kill what was a really cute ensemble. And that husband is a nice accessory. I'd wear him too.
Before they were famous: Meg Ryan
 Here is Meg Ryan before she became popular. It's also before her face was stretched and yanked like Paris Hilton's cooter. It all comes back to Paris, doesn't it? Damn! Meg's name before her acting years was Peggy Hyra. That is the name of an overweight housewife gorging herself on Snackwells wearing a polyester tracksuit and watching The Price is Right. I'm just saying, good call on changing the name.
Golden Girl redeux
 "Jessica, can we have a quote as to why you're dressed like an old woman? Are you angling for a part in the Golden Girls Hit Hollywood movie?" 
Darling, I'm rolling over in my grave!
"I'm going incog-neetoe!" I mean no disrespect to the fashionista known as Carrie Donovan by posting her photo next to JS. But the comparison is obvious. Carrie's signature look is being replicated by a much less sophisticated Jessica Simpson. Ugh! Awful! Two thumbs so far down I'm in pain. I hate to be crass but Jessica looks horriblay! Why doesn't her main squeeze, hairdresser Ken Paves- he with the shaggy dog bowl cut- let Jessica know she looks ready for the early bird at Sizzler? Damn the divorce is taking its toll on Jessica! She's aged forty years overnight!
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