*More Conversations...

Be a Myspace Friend!

2007-04-09T22:14:00.000-04:00

Let's be best friends! Meet me on Myspace, click here to add me!

Once we become BFF, you can order my debut novel from Amazon.com

or BarnesandNoble.com

Then meet me at Vroman's bookstore in Pasadena on May 3rd at 7pm too.

Bring the vodka martinis!

Its here!

2006-11-30T22:06:00.000-05:00

A Thousand Dollars for a Kiss will be out on December 1st! So this weekend, head over to Amazon.com or Barnes and Noble online and check it out! Pour a nice tall vodka martini and settle in with the novel! Also, be a myspace friend: click here to add me!

Thanks for checking in on this site, for a dose of DistressedJeans or to read about being friends with a popstar, read the book and let me know what you think. I look forward to hearing from all of you!

Click here to order the book. Rumor has it that Britney Spears just ordered her copy, I cannot confirm or deny this though!

DistressedJean's Book...

2006-09-06T21:58:00.000-04:00

DistressedJeans debut novel will be in bookstores soon!

Look for A Thousand Dollars for a Kiss at Barnes and Noble.com and Amazon.com in November 2006!

Stop by and visit at www.hellodollface.com

and http://conversationsfamouswriters.blogspot.com/

I'm waving to Suri Cruise, the most amazing, magnificent infant in the whole world!

Visit me...

2006-08-12T21:15:00.000-04:00

Please stop by and say hello on my other two sites:

Conversations With Famous Writers

and

Conversations About Fashion & Beauty

See you there!

xx

Pug Bus

2006-05-21T01:45:00.000-04:00

Hello!

Just in case you are checking in, I wanted to direct you towards The Pug Bus, a satire site where I am contributing weekly.

Check out the posts I've done on Tom Cruise remaking Mork and Mindy and Paris Hilton's newest cure for VD...and that's not short for Valentines Day.

Cheers!

THE END -----for now-----

2006-04-19T17:51:00.000-04:00

I've decided to take a break from this gossip blog for a while. I'm busy with other things in my life and cannot give you the juicy celebrity news you want. The news you deserve.

I'm working on my novel, doing some volunteer work, taking care of two kids, two dogs...getting manicures and spa treatments, going to movie premieres and hanging out with A-listers. Plus I'm kind of running out of ways to say Paris Hilton's coochie is stretched out like the Grand Canyon and that Tom Cruise has brainwashed Katie Holmes and Scientology should be catalogued between Science Fiction, Alien Studies and comic books. Angelina is in Africa and who cares about Jennifer Aniston, I mean who really gives a shit? Oh, and how many times can Tara Reid beg to be taken seriously while doing shots off the belly of a male stripper?

I tried to end the blog several months ago- remember?- but I was flooded with emails that poured in like a river of vodka in the world's biggest martini glass. I kept doing it- early in the morning and late at night leaving not too much time for other stuff like shopping and getting my legs waxed. And tanning. Oh right, and sleeping.

Overwhelmed with all that is going on right now, I must take a break and not put pressure on myself to spend time scouring the news for information about famous people when I should be paying attention to other things, like uh...my kids. They really do need to eat one meal a day at least.

I'll still be doing the writers blog focusing on books, reviews and interviews trying to infuse the site with humor and fun stuff. My passion is writing and reading and promoting authors and surrounding myself with fun, creative people that inspire my imagination.

Oh all right. The truth is, I'm going to the Scientology Compound out in the desert region of Hemet California and you may never hear from me again!

Love~
Distressed Jeans

PS. If you have something unkind to say and feel compelled to post a nasty comment, please refrain from doing so because it won't do you any good. Go take a Xanax and read Dlisted, PopBytes or Tabloid Whore which are awesome blogs. Cheers!

Suri has arrived!

2006-04-18T19:21:00.000-04:00

The baby is here! The baby is here! Announcements are being trumpted all over the internet! Katie finally had that baby after being pregnant for sixty weeks. Hers is the longest pregnancy I've ever witnessed! And the strangest.

She is now free to wear those stilettos boots she was eyeing up at Barneys last week.

Baby Suri was born today weighing 7lbs 7ounces. That's a small size for a kid born with long hair, teeth and needing it's nails clipped. What kind of a name is Suri? I'm sure its got some SciFi meaning.

As you know Katie is not allowed to hold Suri for a week! While Katie is in seclusion, Tom will be chowing down on some ripe placenta and enjoying a side dish of jerky that is the umbilical cord. I can't wait to see how this kid will look nothing like Tom!

And you can bet that Tom will be whoring Suri out for his publicity blitz for MI:3!

I'm thinking Suri was born 2 weeks ago weighing six pounds but the media has put pressure on Katie to produce the baby. I sure hope Katie doesnt need any anti-depressents! Oh, can reprogrammed post-natal fembots feel sad or is their emotion chip decoded?

And in other news Brooke Sheilds gave birth to her baby girl too! Dont look for Suri to be playing with baby Grier any time soon!

BOOKS

2006-04-15T20:24:00.000-04:00

Because its a slow news day, and I mean gossip news, I had time to update my Conversations With Famous Writers Blog.

I just completed an interview with the wonderful author Lisa Tucker (not the American Idol girl) as well as an entry about the book, Marley and Me. Have a look-see. And feel free to share your dog stories under the Marley and Me post.

Happy Easter to my lovely readers!

Nice pillow, goosedown?

2006-04-14T18:23:00.000-04:00

That frappacino better be decaf!

Katie, can you hear me? Her dead eyes smack of interplanetary shenanigns.

That pillow is huge! Must be California king sized!

There are many conspiracies about Katie these days. I thought she had gone into hiding to have that baby like two weeks ago. I bet she did. She is totally post- partum and shopping for shoes to quell her depression because you know she isnt getting any pills! Im certain Tom will announce the brith of their twelve pound baby on May 3 when his movie opens.

The other theory is that Katie has not yet given birth. She looks enormous. If that's not a pillow then it's a Thanksgiving Day turkey under that dress.

You know that kid is not going to look a thing like Tom Cruise, favoring instead the biological father who is Tom's "special friend" and head of the Church of Science Fiction.

Celeb encounters..

2006-04-14T18:13:00.000-04:00

"Hi, I'm cheap!" She probably expects free stuff. Why do the celebs always get freebies?

You may not think so, but David thinks he is still hot stuff. Well, he is...in Europe!

I love it when I get emails from people with real life celeb encounters. Don't you love juicy tidbits about our favorite stars? This came from Catherine, thank you!

A friend of mine who works at a resort in Maui was telling me about some of the silly celebrities she's been helping and she said she recently (last week or so) helped David Hasselhoff! She said that he was actually a bit of an ass! She told me that he was covered in age/sun spots all over his face and body, and she figured they must use a LOT of makeup on him to cover it all up. He looked old.

Also, she told me that over New Year's she spoke to Ashlee Simpson several times, and that on New Year's Eve there was a special dinner party at one of their hotel's restaurants called, "Nick's." My friend told Ashlee that the price was about $125 or $150 per person, and Ashlee complained that that was too expensive, and said, "but we're not going to eat that much." She didn't go to the restaurant.

In conclusion, David is a jerk with badly sundamaged skin and Ashlee is a penny pinching cheapskate!

Before they were famous: Sarah Jessica Parker

2006-04-14T18:10:00.000-04:00

It's hard to tell if Sarah J had a nose job or not based on these photos. The folks over at Awful Plastic Surgery seem to think so. She defintely had some work done on her teeth. You would never guess from these pictures that she would grow up to be a famous actress!

Sister Kate of the Cocaine Convent

2006-04-14T18:05:00.000-04:00

Kate Moss "insists her sex life is non-existent despite rumours she is has rekindled her romance with Babyshambles rocker Pete Doherty."

Probably because the drugs have ruined his ability to "perform." She told Marc Jacobs that she is living like a nun these days. Sure, she's pretending to live like Sister Magdalene in the convent. Kate is a nun like I am a Amish woman!

female first

Wax figures!

2006-04-14T16:55:00.000-04:00

These two wax figures of Lindsay and Paris look a little manly. The hair extensions are hiding candle wicks at the top of their heads.

Nice hand on hip poses. Draws attention to LinLo's black painted nails. Hey- they should be chipped and bitten down! And where's the birth control patch on Paris Hilton's torso? You call these life-like?

The Daily Ugly: Val Kilmer

2006-04-14T16:51:00.000-04:00

Val Kilmer used to be kind of hot. What happened? Old age and drug bloat, that's what!

FLASHBACK

2006-04-14T01:28:00.000-04:00

This movie made me cry. Corey Haim, what a cutie he was in a dorky kind of way. Remember how popular he was? He was making movies all the time in the 80's. This movie featured a very young Charlie Sheen (pre-sex addict) and Courtney Thorne Smith played his cheerleader girlfriend.

It's such a shame that Corey had to resort to selling his wisdom teeth and hair clippings on ebay to fund his drug habit!

Pink Kicks the Bucket...

2006-04-14T01:16:00.000-04:00

You know how I feel about animals. I love them! So when PETA was talking about the extreme cruelty to the chickens at KFC, I listened. I drove thru the KFC window about once every three months and ordered mashed potatoes, biscuits and cole slaw but you know what? No more.

Singer Pink agrees and has signed on to speak out for the cause targeting Kentucky Fried Chicken in their Kick the Bucket campaign. PinksPage.com, Pink writes: "PETA is simply asking KFC to modernize its methods and stop boiling birds alive in the defeathering tank and stop pumping them so full of growth drugs that they cripple under their own weight."

And no, I don't think breast implants are tested on chickens. I know my breast implant testing commentator was going to mention that. No worries -chickens are safe from the silicone.

Violet Affleck rushed to hospital

2006-04-14T01:07:00.000-04:00

Jennifer Garner is nervous about giving birth on screen in the television show, Alias. She expresses her fears saying, “I think it is going to be an incredibly embarrassing day…I can't even imagine being in front of my crew. ..I still get embarrassed any time I have to not have my clothes on around them, because those are my guys. They are all like brothers or father figures, so it will be a rough day for me."

The director should make her have a nice, neat c-section where there is no pushing, grunting or groaning involved. Or else make her a Scientologist who sucks on a pacifier while the baby quietly slides out!

Jen has nothing to be embarrassed about. All she needs to do is think back to the time when J. Lo pooped on Ben Affleck (remember this story!) and then she’ll know the meaning of the word embarrassing!

In other Affleck Family News, baby Violet was taken to the hospital because she couldn’t breathe! Drs. took good care of her and now all is fine. They tested 4 month old Violet for asthma and allergies and calmed her down. Nothing worse than a trip to the ER with an infant!
I hope she's okay! Jen and I are tight, I'll probably bring over some Del Taco or an equally gourmet meal to help out.

But back to J. Lo. Maybe there's more gross J. Lo stories out there. I know why she doesn’t want that book to be published by her ex-husband….kind of makes you think that Jennifer Lopez has more secrets she doesn’t want shared! Like weak bowels.

Mandy loves AI

2006-04-14T00:34:00.000-04:00

Mandy Moore and Zach Braff love American Idol so much that the two were actually upset that they didn’t catch this past weeks competition. Zach and Mandy attended the premiere of Mandy’s new movie, American Dreamz which looks hilarious. I can't wait to see it. I don't get to the movies very much so I guess I'll have to wait for it on DVD. You see, I don't like to go out in public. Its the paparazzi, they simply won't leave me alone!

Mandy admits that she and Zach never miss their favorite show and had to set their Tivo so they wouldn’t miss Kellie Pickler's dumb act and Paula’s drunk act. Mandy says, "It's my obsession on Tuesdays, so we have it on TiVo tonight. … I'm desperate to get home and flip to my favorite people to see how they did."

Well, Mandy, Bucky didn’t do so well. I hate to kill the suspense for you in case you didn’t see who got voted off but don’t be looking for the warbling Buckster to sing next week. And after that..buh-bye Ace!

Theres a little rumor...

2006-04-14T00:23:00.000-04:00

..there's a rumor floating around that Katie Holmes may have already given birth. In Tom's mansion with a Scientology approved mid-wife of course! Sources say that Katie hasn't been seen in about five days and people are speculating that her bundle of galactic goo will make its debut when Mission Impossible III lands in theaters.

Tom is such a publicity whore with calculated moves. Planning a birth around the release of your movie for more press? Ridiculous. Inseminating your beard with the head of Scientology? Outrageous. Making fun of Tom Cruise and his wacky ways? Priceless!

Ashlee wins awards

2006-04-13T22:26:00.000-04:00

is that microphone coming out or going in?

In a strange twist of events, Ashlee Simpson beat out Madonna at the MTV Australian Video Music Awards. I know! I had to read it three times making sure something wasnt missing from that statement. Best Female Artist award went to Jessica’s sister, not the psuedo-British icon known simply as Madge. I cannot believe it! I always sort of thought that I had more talent and a better singing voice than Ashlee. And I have the voice of an angel on crack!

Ashlee didn’t won just one award, she won two! She went home with the award for Best Pop Video for that song Boyfriend. I wonder how Joe Simpson finagled this? He is more powerful and better connected than I initially thought.

more Tom...

2006-04-13T22:02:00.000-04:00

Tom Cruise will appear live at Times Square in New York City for a taping of TRL on MTV. The movie star/freak will then hop on a motorcycle, then a speedboat, helicopter, sports car and subway before arriving in Tribeca to the film premiere. Just like Jeff Probst carrying the results of Survivor at the grand finale! How ridiculous is that? Very! He forgot to commendeer a police horse as his final mode of transport. Katie better pop out that baby –quietly- before he does his press junket or he won't be there to hold an ether- soaked cloth over her face to silence her.

Tom’s producing partner chuckles as she says, “ Tom has always enjoyed finding new ways to connect with fans!” Like telling them he’s appalled at their drug usage and calling them glib. Get your squirt guns ready, New Yorkers.

In other news, Tom has done an interview with Diane Sawyer in which he spews forth more intergalactic nonsense. He admits he will let Katie have an epidural but says he did not buy her an adult pacifier to keep her quiet. Baby Extraterrestrial Cruise will not have a Catholic baptism in case you were wondering. Damn, I was hoping Liz Hurley would wear another low- cut, skin tight gown like she did for the Cruz Beckham baptism.

Tom goes on to admit that Katie is indeed a Scientologist and her parents are peachy keen to the idea of their daughter being brainwashed and mentally beaten down. I sort of embellished that last part.

In another interview, Tom says the following which made my own vagina go into hiding, "Great sex is a by-product, for me, of a great relationship, where you have communication and it's an extension of that. Where it's just ... free. And that's how it should be. It's spectacular. If you're not in good communication with your partner, it sucks."

I wish I had interviewed Tom Cruise. It would have been explosive! I would have spent equal time alternating between laughing at his behavior and defending my anti-depressent usage which he finds as appalling as a Catholic schoolgirl taking Tylenol. I bet he would have called me something much worse than GLIB.

Ryan throws a tantrum

2006-04-13T20:15:00.000-04:00

First Ryan Seacrest admitted to being a chubby teen who watched Oprah and ate nachos after school, now he’s throwing a hissy fit reserved for a two year old. Paula Abdul in a moment of coherence, says that Diva Seacrest was absolutely fit to be tied because he was not included on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. All three judges are on the cover and Ryan was ignored. He got the latest botox shot for nothing!

Ryan is actually on the cover- a teeny tiny picture of him on a book in Randy Jackson’s hands.

Paula said, "He's down there. I guess that didn't go over very well. I heard he's plenty mad." In response to the photos of Ryan kissing Teri Hatcher, Paula had this to say, “He only kisses the mirror." Meow! She's just bitter because he won't date her. I think I see a love triangle developing between Simon, Ryan and Paula. Run, Randy, run before they suck you in!

Ring ring...are you wearing panties?

2006-04-13T20:04:00.000-04:00

The View cohost Elisabeth Hasselbeck is getting crank calls by some woman with a southern accent. Could it be Dolly Parton?

Some chick is calling Elisabeth and “harassing the family.” The Hasselbecks told the New York Daily News, "This is a malicious attempt to harass our family."

The phone stalker should be calling Star Jones and harassing her instead of Elisabeth. I can't wait until Star is no longer on television, she makes my ears ring and my eyes bleed. Seriously, she does, thats why I don't watch The View unless I'm laying on the couch feeling queasy to begin with.

Barbara Walters, who wears a wig, a diaper and false teeth, thought the phone calling weirdo was someone who didn’t like Elisabeth's politics, or didn’t like a comment Elisabeth made. Or didn't like her husband or her baby. Or didn’t like the clothes she wore. Or her voice. Or her hair. Or the way she ate. Or drank. Or blew her nose. Basically Barbara is no crack FBI agent, clearly the caller hates Elisabeth!

I bet the prankster is none other than Gay Al Reynolds. He is a fantastic impersonator!

Not so interested!

2006-04-13T19:48:00.000-04:00

that straw bag is hideous!

Julia Roberts is being turned down as the new face of Christian Dior perfume. Why didn’t Dior call moi? I'm always available to be a spokesmodel and just like Julia, I have a big wide smile with gleamingly white teeth. I bet Christian Dior rethought their choice when they realized that although Julia cleans up well, she usually looks like a hobo in baggy jeans and unbrushed hair. And Dior has an image to uphold and that image isn't of a bohemian actress with dirty feet in Birkenstocks, no matter how wealthy she is.

It's not like Julia needs the money for the modeling gig. She’s being paid $35,000 a week for the Broadway play, Three Days of Rain, and ticket sales are up to $7 million in large part to her debut in the theater. Christian Dior made the call not to have Julia be their perfume pusher even though the stuff won't hit stores until 2007.

A statement from the company went a little something like this: “Not so interested anymore.” That's just plain cold!

Angie to Jen: Stop Whining!

2006-04-13T19:28:00.000-04:00

Soon Yi Previn and the Jolie-Pitt clan

Angelina’s good friend, no not me, but a gal by the name of Tonya Hart (not Tonya Harding) told the British Star mag that Angie thought JA was dragging out the breakup with Brad. In other words, get over it! Jen swears she’s turned the page but months later she’s still lamenting over Mr. Architectural Digest.

Tonya gossiped about Angie, which is what good friends do, saying that Angie made gagging noises and moaned, "Oh my God, it makes me want to throw up! She shot her mouth off and Oprah took it all in... They were all against Brad and me from that moment on... She wanted people to feel sorry for her that her marriage was down the pan. Brad and I couldn't defend ourselves." She didn’t moan or gag, I added that for mental imagery. I bet she at least rolled her eyes towards the heavens and wished Jennifer had kept her mouth shut.

There are two sides to every story (or divorce) and we have yet to hear Brad's- I think it goes a little something like this..."Jen is very demanding. She didn't like to get dirty, she whined a lot. She was always with Courteney Cox. She didnt want to have a baby. Plus, she did coke and pot is my illegal drug of choice. I never cheated on Jen....well, I did have some naughty thoughts of Angie but I didn't act on them ...right away. Now come over here and tell me what you think of my Le Corbusier chair."

Tonya stirred the pot a little more saying, "Ange told Oprah she was extremely upset with her and wanted nothing to do with the show, even though Oprah reportedly said, 'Don't bear a grudge against me."

In other words, Oprah hon, don’t look for Angelina to make a guest appearance on your show anytime soon. Well, unless of course she has a movie to promote!

Celebrity Coupling

2006-04-12T18:05:00.000-04:00

Ashlee Simpson and Barbara Mandrell.

No, seriously who is responsible for Jessica's huge honky tonk coif? Did Ken Paves have the night off? I can't believe Im going to utter these words...Ashlee looks...

-gulp!- good. Jessica looks matronly! Who's picking out her clothes? Not her dad because she doesn't look super slutty.

These two are so wild! I bet they paint each others nails with black polish and do all kind of kinky things like sleep naked on a bed of fiery coals. ALl right, thats not kinky thats just strange. Dave Navarro's beard reminds me of pubic hair bush. I wish he would cut it off!

Kate Moss and Lindsay Lohan are total BFF! I hope Kate can introduce Linds to someone just like Pete Doherty.

Quiz! Which one of these girls has the vial of cocaine hidden in a nook or cranny of her body? There is no right answer. It's a trick. They both do! Girls like them are quite crafty. And by saying 'girls like them' I mean coke addicts!

Kyra and Kevin. She has fantastic boobs. On Howard Stern she swore up and down they were real but after seeing her naked torso in The Woodsman, I have to go with skillfully done implants.

His forehead is attacking the camera lens! Kevin never gets proper kudos for his brilliant dancing in Footloose. Sheer genius! Who else can move in skintight jeans like him? No one but Patrick Swayze.

Rande Gerber bothers me and I'll tell you why. First of all, it's the spelling of his name, that annoying e on the end. It's dumb! She should spell her name Cinde. Then they could be Rande and Cinde Gerbre. Gah!

And then I think his chin looks like a handle, a horn, or a telephone receiver. You know I don't like to make fun of people for their physical looks because not everyone has access to a good plastic surgeon with a steady hand and a keen eye for chins. But seriously, I know Randie doesn't read this blog so I can say whatever I want about him.

When Stars Dress Themselves: Lindsay Lohan

2006-04-12T17:58:00.000-04:00

Lindsay is so lost without fashion stylist to Young Hollywood, Rachel Zoe! I hear Lohan is quite the fashionista, but left to her own devices she wears banana yellow shoes and a burgandy purse, whats up with that? Those aren't such heinous crimes. No, its the spandex leggings that make her a fashion felon.

I sort of understand where she's coming from though I don't agree. The purse matches the carpet and the yellow goes with the lights on the Saturn behind her. The black is obvious, tires.

This is going to be an upcoming question on the SATs so pay attention! Complete the analogy:
Lindsay is to Saturn like glue is to ....?

the kooky American Idol kids

2006-04-12T02:46:00.000-04:00

Those wild and crazy AI singers made Freddy Mercury do a double axle in his grave. He was verklempt!

The show started with a plop and a fizzle when Bucky failed to enunciate the song lyrics of Fat Bottomed Girls. He did okay. Gave the song a country edge and made it his own.
Paula said, "Bucky...you..sang like uh..you did...really did Queen proud and you...oooohhh look like you made it your own tonight."

Chris Daughtry, bald guy was up next and sang some song I had never heard before. He is a complete hard rocker. He was typical Chris which was loud and in your face but quietly hot. Paula said, "Chris...ohhhh. Umm...you uh...had amazing vocals and...sang like...good."

Kellie "dumb as rocks" Pickler de-hee hawed herself to sing Bohemian Rhapsody. She was all lit up like a jack o' lantern with funky lighting. I guess she was all right, I wouldnt buy the single. She didnt understand something Simon said which is no big surprise since she only completed third grade. Paula said, "You look...uhhhhh...Kelly, I wasnt sure what to think... you ...when I heard... Good job."

Ace Young will probably get booted. I don't think he's all that and a bag of Fritos. Seriously. I dont even remember what he sang thats how forgettable it was. Paula said, "Ace, after you get voted off WHICH I WILL PERSONALLY see to, we can go back to my house and I can 'help' with your career."

Elliot Yamin, who I so badly want to buy braces for if I could afford to, sang Somebody to Love. He has a great voice. I like that song. I used to sing it before I was married and thought I would die alone in a cold water flat with ten cats. It has a personal meaning. Paula now asked for her vicodin and a bottle of scotch.

Katharine McPhee sang something, I guess it was all right. I don't remember because I got up to go eat a plum. When I came back, Paula had started to drool and they cut to a commercial break.

Taylor Hicks sang Crazy Little Thing Called Love. He was hopping all over the stage like a jumping bean or someone who has to work off a sugar high. Paula said, "Looksh like you had shome fun out there Saylor....we wash wondering where .....Taylor had gone....hesh back."

Paris was the last singer. I thought she did a fine job, the girl has an amazing voice. I dont think she will make it to the final two but I liked her hair extensions. Paula said something incoherent and rambling and nonsensical. The phone rang at this point and I turned the television off. For once it wasn't a foreigner pretending to be American asking me if I wanted to refinance my home. It was Maddox Jolie asking for my help with his new tattoo kit! how could I refuse?

Oprah doesn't really care if you're poor

2006-04-12T02:35:00.000-04:00

I always thought Oprah and I had a lot in common, only separated by one billion dollars and a few thousand miles. But now I know the only teeny common trait we possess is a love of dogs.

Oprah is damn freaking stinking rich and has so much money she has hired someone to blow her nose with twenty dollar bills and she treats her fine china like paper plates. Alone she could probably feed the poorest countries of the world and end hunger. Granted, she does a lot with her Project Angel network and shit but then I read a quote like this and it makes me toss back a vodka shot and scratch my head, okay my ass, and wonder...what the hell?

"I have lots of things, like all these Manolo Blahniks. I have all that and I think it's great. I'm not one of those people like, 'Well, we must renounce ourselves.' No, I have a closet full of shoes and it's a good thing….I was coming back from Africa on one of my trips...I had taken one of my wealthy friends with me. She said, 'Don't you just feel guilty? Don't you just feel terrible?' I said, 'No, I don't. I do not know how me being destitute is going to help them.' Then I said when we got home, 'I'm going home to sleep on my Pratesi sheets right now and I'll feel good about it.' "

Forget it, after that, I'm not voting for her for president.

Flashback

2006-04-12T02:28:00.000-04:00

I've seen this only...well, several times. I wanted to morph into Kyra Sedgwick and move to Seattle and wear cute hats in the rain. Why aren't movies like this being made any more?

Before they were famous: Katie Holmes

2006-04-12T02:24:00.000-04:00

She was cute before she was brainwashed and beaten into submission. Poor Katie!

The daily ugly celeb: Cameron Diaz

2006-04-12T02:17:00.000-04:00

Is it wrong to love this photo? I'd like to see more from the Cameron Diaz Zit Face collection.

FREAK-O

2006-04-12T02:10:00.000-04:00

John Travolta believes in luxury airplanes, hair plugs and expansive homes in Hawaii, Florida and California but he doesnt believe in treating autism. Click here to read more. It's disturbing and scary and makes me afraid of Scientology.

Brit better get on Celebrity Fit Club ASAP

2006-04-12T02:04:00.000-04:00

Aside from being investigated by the sheriffs department recently, Britney has some big problemos. Let me back up. I received an email from Kevin telling me he wants me to take a listen to his new song because its mixed like bizqwik. With that out of the way I can address our other concerns about our popstar who is fading like an old photograph.

So what if she has a few extra pounds on her frame? We all enjoy junk food, right? Excet for you Gwyneth, I'm not talking to you. All of us regular glamorous fashionistas enjoy the occasional- or daily as the case may be- mocha frappacino. Maybe a bag or six of Cheetos. My point is that Britney is a busy mother, what with driving Sean P. around on her lap and having to rush him to the hospital after he fell out of his highchair and cracked his head on the floor. Gah, y’all! That mayonaisse is dang slippery!

Now Brit’s receod label is telling her to lose the extra weight or else her life is going to go down the crapper. Basically she better get good looking again or her career is going to sink like the Popozao single.

We can feel her pain. It was just a week ago when Britney caught Kevin buying some weed outside of their Malibu home. Sure it was total grade A, but still. The constant partying, drinking and hanging with the boys is taking its toll. I'm not talking about myself, I mean Kevin. Although I'm tad worn out too.

Kevin is pushing for a career as the next Eminem, the next Vanilla Ice, the next pizza delivery guy from Dominos, and he has no time for Britney. She eats to make herself feel better. She should totally visit Heidi Fleiss's new bordello catering to just this kind of scenerio. For $250 you can feel like a real woman again, Brit!

However K. Feds ex girlfriend Felicia Fellatio says that BS better get her ass in gear because Kev only likes hot chicks. This girl spews forth words of wisdom like a verbal geyser, "Kev has always had a problem with people who let themselves go. He was determined that he wouldn't go that way and wouldn't be married to a woman who did.”

Please pull a Nicole Richie and starve yourself into a dangerously low weight so Kev will be happy! But don't lose the badonkadonk and keep the boobies big. Popozao!

Madonna and Guy have bumps

2006-04-12T01:54:00.000-04:00

I have to be honest with you. I probably couldn’t live with Madonna. Sure, I'd like to play dress up in her closet and take a vacation at her estate in England where I would absolutely feed chickens in my Versace sheath. I would also ride a horse naked because it sounds like fun. Well, with a saddle, obviously!

But I simply couldn’t be around Madge for too long. For one, I'm fond of my New Jersey accent and don’t want to start talking like Queen Elizabeth. For another thing, Madonna is really demanding and kind of mean. And Madonna’s loose lipped father in law agrees with me by saying, "It's the children that will keep the them (she and Guy) together. The children are everything to them. LA seems to have helped them. It's easier out there because there is less pressure. They seem to have left the bumps they were having over here behind them.”

See? They had bumps! I bet they were close to divorce. They were on the verge of breaking up I know just know it. But for the sake of her French speaking children who talk about her in a language she doesnt understand right in front of her face, she plugs along and keeps on truckin'.

Don't you just love that expression? It's so rednecky!

2006-04-12T01:48:00.000-04:00

Don't you just love that expression? It's so rednecky!

SHUT IT

2006-04-12T01:32:00.000-04:00

"Glib! Glib! You're being Glib!"

Remember the Bee Gees? Weren't they the Glib brothers, you know Maurice, Barry and Andy Glib?

Look what you started, L. Ron!

Are you there God? its me Distressed Jeans. See, every time Tom Cruise opens his mouth and makes a stupid comment, which is pretty often, I start to believe he is the devil. I know this is harsh but it's true. I'm pretty confident he hides his split tail in his little pants. Now Tom is attacking those of us who need the mind altering drugs to get through the day. Of course, I'm not talking about heroin which Pete Doherty can't live without. Or crack, which is Whitney Houston’s drug of choice. Or even a bit of pot smoking. No, I'm not even hinting about the mushrooms…or the ummm...you know. Other stuff.

If you are there, please let Tommy know that some people have a lack of brain chemicals which sink them into a deep despair. Thoughts of suicide and worthlessness ensue. How can you deny the medication which keeps us on an even keel? If I ever come face to face with Tom Cruise it will be a cold day in hell. Or a hot one in outer space which is more likely.

Tom said that prescription pill poppers like myself should think about the harm the pills are doing to our bodies. Alien from the Mothership (which should totally be the name of his yacht) says he has PERSONALLY counseled people who are addicted to drugs. Please keep him away from me because I like my pills. And I know that Tom finds me appalling. Yes I totally know the history of psychiatry. I have my Phd in mental ...uh.. studies. Dude, that’s Dr. Distressed Jeans to you.

Tom addresses horrible people like me by saying, "I think it's appalling that people have to live a life of drug addiction when I have personally helped people get off drugs."

Well la-di-da for you. Gah! He should start a commune somewhere. Somewhere like Planet Fubar. And he can take Star Jones and her new boobs along for the ride.

Russell wants to play too!

2006-04-12T01:13:00.000-04:00

Kimora and I had "plans" but damn, we couldn't get rid of that Russell.

Every guy I've ever known is super intrigued by woman on woman action. Yeah, the fantasy is Carmen Electra and Adriana Lima and the reality is Rosie O’Donnell and Cynthia Nixon’s girlfriend.

Even Russell Simmons is turned on by some naked females going at it. Brushing off rumors about Kimora Lee having a female lover, Russell scoffs, "Some people say Kimora's into girls. Hey, if that were true, I wouldn't have a problem with it!" As if! He’s acting like it would be a jolly threesome when the truth of the matter is if Kimora had a girlfriend, Russell would be far removed from the tawdy goings on. You know what they say, three's a crowd except in boardgames and jump rope. Russ, honey, youre services are no longer needed!

This is simply Russell using his defense mechanism to downplay the fact that Kimora is no longer interested in him. He should form a support group with Matt leBlanc’s ex. And maybe they could be joined by Nick Lachey. OMG I've been hit with a stroke of brilliance. I'm having a vision of a reality television show called Celebrity Support Group. Bitter exes airing their dirty laundry about their former spouses, that is what I call must see tv!

Quick Links

2006-04-11T11:27:00.000-04:00

Look at those legs! Thanks for inspiring me to work out, Lisa Rinna!

Carmen Electra vibrates her way to being fired from Max Factor! Scandalous.

Star Jones was inches from death! Oh ...Joy Behar would have been thrilled!

Naomi Campbell will talk to Oprah but only if she leaves her cell phone at home.

Jlo, sued! Lawsuits are really hot these days. Everyones doing it!

Jessica Simpson really wants to be in Dallas. Daddy better make it happen!

The Daily Ugly Celeb

2006-04-11T02:52:00.000-04:00

I don't think Teri Hatcher is ugly. But she does have Ryan Seacrest cooties and those alone can make a person ugly. Just kidding!

I came across the above photo and it caused me to flinch. I KNOW. We all take bad photos. And this, this is really bad. Maybe she had pink eye at the time of the picture. Perhaps she is recovering from eye surgery. I think she just got a botox shot in her delicate eye area and is having a reaction. Her face is immobile! Wait- she's melting!

FLASHBACK

2006-04-11T02:49:00.000-04:00

This was the best movie. I loved Amanda Peterson. Check out how cute she is! I watched this over and over. This was early Patrick Dempsey before he got hot on Gray's Anatomy.

What ever happened to Amanda?

Harsh!

2006-04-11T02:41:00.000-04:00

I've tried telling Tara Reid, it's not that she's stupid. I mean, she keeps insisting she's smart, okay I get it. But come on Tara. You're not dumb but like drugstore perfume, you're cheap. And quite frankly, you smell. Like an ashtray at a bar at closing time.

Its the overly self tanned face and the hard core crimson lipstick that suggests for ten dollar you give blow job behind the dumpster at the 7-11. That was harsh! I'm sorry Tara. But you need to think of your image. You look like you could be the mother of a passel of unruly children living at the trailer park waiting for her welfare check.

I hate to be mean but you've got lots of money and could really turn things around. If you wanted to. Which I kind of think you don't.

Kate's hat

2006-04-11T02:36:00.000-04:00

Everyone is always asking what I look like. Well, see Kate Beckinsdale above? I look nothing like that.

But I must say her outfit is something I would wear. However, I absolutely would not be caught dead with a knitted cozy on my head! My grandma keeps a roll of toilet paper in one of those things. Someone made it for her back in 1978.

The hat thing and the cigarette kill what was a really cute ensemble. And that husband is a nice accessory. I'd wear him too.

Before they were famous: Meg Ryan

2006-04-11T02:32:00.000-04:00

Here is Meg Ryan before she became popular. It's also before her face was stretched and yanked like Paris Hilton's cooter. It all comes back to Paris, doesn't it? Damn!

Meg's name before her acting years was Peggy Hyra. That is the name of an overweight housewife gorging herself on Snackwells wearing a polyester tracksuit and watching The Price is Right. I'm just saying, good call on changing the name.

Golden Girl redeux

2006-04-11T02:21:00.000-04:00

"Jessica, can we have a quote as to why you're dressed like an old woman? Are you angling for a part in the Golden Girls Hit Hollywood movie?"

Darling, I'm rolling over in my grave!

"I'm going incog-neetoe!"

I mean no disrespect to the fashionista known as Carrie Donovan by posting her photo next to JS. But the comparison is obvious. Carrie's signature look is being replicated by a much less sophisticated Jessica Simpson. Ugh! Awful! Two thumbs so far down I'm in pain.

I hate to be crass but Jessica looks horriblay! Why doesn't her main squeeze, hairdresser Ken Paves- he with the shaggy dog bowl cut- let Jessica know she looks ready for the early bird at Sizzler? Damn the divorce is taking its toll on Jessica! She's aged forty years overnight!

Bucky vs. Bucky

2006-04-11T02:07:00.000-04:00

Bucky and his twin...

..Rocky!

It seems as though everyone on American Idol has a little secret. And Bucky Covington's secret is no, not that he needs good orthodontia- that's not quite a secret- but that he once posed as his twin brother Rocky. Bucky and Rocky. Dude! You just hear those names once and you know everything. From the funky monikers you can surmise they is good ole boys from the south, they are brothers, drive pickup trucks, listen to country music, have long hair. You just know theres a Durlene and a Bobby Joe in that family. I'm sensing a sawed off shot gun and an affinity for squirrel hunting and moonshine.

Sly fox Bucky pretended to be Rocky in order to help his twin avoid "criminal prosecution." Or as Bucky likes to explain it, "criminy proshukushun."

See thar was a little fender bender and y'all, Rockys license had been what we here like to call revok-ed. So, good ole Bucky stepped on in and took the heat so Rocky didn't end up in the slammer. Y'all git it? Things get really confusing when you realize that Bucky's mother is also his fathers sister.

Buckys father hatched the plan to find Bucky, "bring him back to the accident scene, and tell the authorities that Bucky (whose license was in good standing, despite prior convictions for speeding and reckless driving) had been the person driving the truck, replacing one twin with the other."

I know its so cotton pickin' twisted that even the attorney said he never seen anything like it in his whole career. You really need to git the full scoop about what went down. Click here to read the Tale of Two Buckys.

Yes, Ive given birth!

2006-04-10T19:49:00.000-04:00

Yes, it is true that I, Gwyneth Paltrow, award winning actress and mother to Apple, wife to Chris Martin, have given birth to a lovely young man we named Moses. Much like a Moses basket, the man of the bible, and Grandma Moses, the name conjures up a wise old soul which is what my son will be. Moses Martin. Do not call him Mo.

I flew through the pregnancy eating little else besides garbanzo beans and soy cheese. Naturally, I craved hummus which Apple prepared for me using organic ingredients. She is already a talented chef as well as quite the little linguist.

I said to her, in French of course, "Apple you have a brother and his name shall be Moses." And she answered back in Latin, "Mummy may I make you a brie plate with parsley and iced tea with lemon? After that, I would very much like it if you would allow me to translate the early works of Shakespeare into German. And then, Mummy, I will play Mozart for you on my Dora the Explorer guitar."

Naturally I had to gently explain to Apple that Dora is so very common and dull! She should take in more Masterpiece Theater.

When you view the glorious pictorial of my son, Moses, please ignore his slightly "off" look. The doctor has promised he will grow out of it, fear not. He is simply displaying the after effects of alcohol consumption via the umbilicus.

****

People.com reports: The baby was delivered at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City. Moses is the name of a song Martin wrote for his wife in 2003.

FLASHBACK

2006-04-10T02:30:00.000-04:00

Who remembers this movie? I loved it. I totally wanted to pretend to be a guy at another school back then. No wait, I wanted to pretend to be someone else in another state. Actually, I didn't want to pretend, I wanted to be a whole other person. I hated my teenage years!

The daily ugly celeb: John Corbett

2006-04-10T02:24:00.000-04:00

He is a subscriber to the Michael Bolton School of Hair Theology. Long in the back doesn't cover up that receding hair line. The mutton chops aren't edgy or cool. And the open necked, ruffled shirt is better suited to an accordian player at a wedding than whatever event he's at. And wipe that look off your face John, you appear to be channeling one of the Wild and Crazy guys from SNL! And that's Steve Martin's gig so lay off!!

Before they were famous: Nicollette Sheridan

2006-04-10T02:19:00.000-04:00

Nicollette, pre-Desperate Housewives.

I had the same bathing suit. This was during an era of my life where I believed that someday, Johnny Depp and I would be married. As you might have gathered, things didnt really work out for me and him.

theres a new brothel in town

2006-04-10T02:10:00.000-04:00

Remember Heidi Fleiss, the Hollywood madam? She had the little black book which listed every A list actor, producer, director etc who used her servies. Heidi also got the shit beat out of her by actor Tom Sizemore who has sex with Paris Hilton and Elizabeth Hurley. And Heidi was the one who inadvertently introduced sex addict Charlie Sheen to (former- she's not doing that anymore) Fleiss girl Denise Richards.

Well, the sex trade is a lucrative business and Heidi is capitalizing on it once more, this time at a brothel in Neveda. Yes, a male brothel. So if you chicks want to pay for sex, come on out to Pahrump NV for a good time. You know women never to pay for sex because there's always drooling horn dogs at whatever bar you go to. But just in case, here's a place with clean sheets and ribbed condoms for your pleasure.

The male image for her new whore house is soap star Lee Brandt. I don’t watch soap operas so I have no clue who this guy is. I guess he’s hot. He will be paid $250 per hour as a “male companion” to the women. Heidi feels this guy has the right look to attract the ladies. And Lee says: "I love to love women, I always have. I've loved women for free so far, so why not get paid to do something that I really enjoy and am good at?" Er...okay.

For your information, Pahrump is located near Las Vegas. You can gamble, drink and then pay to get laid all in one day! Popozao!

Im glad about GLAAD and so is Charlize

2006-04-10T01:55:00.000-04:00

Charlize Theron received a Vanguard Award at the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation's (GLAAD) for “increasing visibility and understanding in the gay community.”

She said that Stuart Townsend and herself would not get married until gay marriage was recognized in the United States. In 2004 she took on the roll of lesbian serial killer Aileen Wuornos and won the Oscar for her work.

Charlize believes “...its incredibly unfair that because of our sexual preference, we have the rights that we have, and that, because of someone else's sexual preference, they don't have those same rights."

I agree with Charlize, she and I were just talking about this the other day over a particularly delicious apple. I hope someday everyone can be valued and loved and treated with proper respect no matter what their sexual preference. But you know who might not agree with me? Mandisa from American Idol.

Pam dances with the Pussycats

2006-04-10T01:44:00.000-04:00

Pam has a body that defies logic. Check out her ten inch waist in the above photo! All I need to do is hang this above my treadmill and pray for a miracle. Light a few candles. Not eat. Do six hundred six ups a day and line my eyes with heavy black liner and then I will be Pam's twin. We can take our act on the road!

Pammy got to dance with the Pussycat Dolls and I'm so jealous. I've always wanted to dance all sexy and wear a corset and thigh high pantyhose. Because that's hot! I can totally do a split and uh, shake buttocks and kick really high. It's a lofty yet attainable goal to be a Pussycat Doll, don't you think?

She's a giver

2006-04-10T01:30:00.000-04:00

I know you probably think Naomi Campbell is a smackdown away from winning some kind of fighting belt but she insists she’s a giver. In her own words, Naomi says she is “loving and giving.” Naomi would never do something so unrefined as throw a cellular telephone at a maid!

Naomi could be put away in jail where she will have lots of opportunity to show just what a giver she really is. And giving lessons on how to strut and stomp down the catwalk would be good for her fellow inmates. Look, if Martha can teach yoga and educate women on haircolor, Naomi can certainly show prisoners how to show off prison couture. Those orange jumpsuits have potential!

According to Female First, Naomi states, “You can't stop people from thinking what they want to think and there is always two sides to every story. I'm someone who is very loyal. I will never take from anybody or want anything of anybody else's. I just want to live my life honestly and one day at a time and be honest and giving and loving to the people that are giving and loving."

Talk is cheap! She doesn’t dispute the fact that she has a terrible temper and likes to throw stuff at people. I need to wear a Kevlar vest and headgear next time I visit her!

Happy Birthday Hef

2006-04-10T01:19:00.000-04:00

Hugh Hefner just celebrated his 80th birthday. 80? I totally thought he was inching towards 100. Have you seen him on the Girls Next Door? He walks really slow and you can see the wheels in his brain turning as he reaches for words. Because I have no patience I would not be a good match for Hef. Plus I wouldnt want to be the blonde who has to change his diapers when that time comes. There's no amount of money for that shit. Literally!

So he had this big party and the guests "received fold-out invites to the bash featuring photos of the octogenarian from a baby to the present day." That's pretty lame. What are you supposed to do with that, frame it? Even I would rather have a Playboy calendar or something. Viagra would have been nice.

Although Hef is only years away from stewed prunes and BenGay, he has this to say: "Maybe to some extent 80 is the new 40. I truly believe that age -- if you're healthy -- age is just a number. On many levels I feel younger today than I did 10, 15 years ago." So if 80 is the new 40 than 100 is the new 60 which means I'm going to live to be 120 for sure!

Jessica Simpson's ass is SUED

2006-04-08T01:42:00.000-04:00

According to the Smoking Gun

"Jessica Simpson cut a multimillion dollar licensing deal for low-priced jeans and apparel and then failed to promote them as promised, according to a $100 million breach of contract lawsuit filed yesterday against the singer/actress. The Tarrant Apparel Group alleges that Simpson, 25, failed to support the clothing lines and even refused to be photographed wearing items from the JS by Jessica Simpson and Princy collections."

Jessica is earning so much money you'd think she could wear her own brand of crappy clothes once in a while. I guess her shit is made so poorly even she doesn't want to be seen in it. I haven't had the cough cough, pleasure of seeing her clothing line but I've witnessed the shoes and I have to say the ladies of the night love 'em.

If I wanted to be evil I'd say I would love to see her behind bars right along side Lil' Kim being someone's bitch. Her roots all grown out, dressed in an orange jumpsuit, eating nothing but starchy foods. Nothing like the spa Martha Stewart went to. She deserves hard core prison just for making me watch those promos for the Dukes of Hazzard. She can eat her meals with a spork and argue over cigarettes. Ahhhh, now that would be good reality tv. Me and Nick, we can dream right?

Fashion Icon..?

2006-04-08T01:30:00.000-04:00

Oddball Chloe Sevigny marches to the beat of her own drum...

...and that drum is a bucket and it's filled with fried chicken! Who knew Colonel Sanders was such a fashion maven?

The Daily Ugly Celeb

2006-04-08T01:23:00.000-04:00

Hard to believe she used to be cute. Then she went and jacked up her face. I'm thankful to Antonio for putting a moratorium on going under the knife. But how about those bi- monthly botox and collagen injections?

PS. Antonio, please take the red lipstick away from her!

Before They Were Famous: Calista Flockhart

2006-04-07T20:27:00.000-04:00

This must have been before her last nose job!

Calista is coming forward and admitting to having an eating disorder while on Ally McBeal. Why is she talking about this now? She must have a movie of the week or something to promote.

Most beautiful

2006-04-07T20:20:00.000-04:00

Audrey

Sophia

Marilyn

"BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S star AUDREY HEPBURN has topped a poll naming the most beautiful women of all time. Hepburn, who died in 1993 aged 63, beat out competition from the late GRACE KELLY, who came second, and third-placed supermodel CINDY CRAWFORD. Veteran actress SOPHIA LOREN came fourth and MARILYN MONROE fifth in the survey of 5,000 readers of UK magazine New Woman."

If Audrey Hepburn were a young starlet living in the year 2006, would people would rave about her beauty? She hasn't had enough plastic surgery! Cindy Crawford beating out Marilyn Monroe? No way!

Who would top the most beautiful of the Hollywood actresses of today?

source:Gossiprocks

Another alien chimes in

2006-04-07T20:04:00.000-04:00

Is Priscilla Presley a Scientologist too? She's joining Tom Cruise, Kelly Preston and John Travolta and probably Jenna Elfman and all the other actors who dabble in the sci-fi cult in praising the idea of a silent birth. How about a silent existance?

Says Prissy, "If people actually read L Ron Hubbard's teachings they would understand that drug-free silent births show respect to the baby and stop them becoming unbalanced. I wish I'd had a silent birth when I had Lisa Marie."

Because we know Lisa Marie is totally unbalanced. I'm sure she would be just fine had Priscilla kept her yap shut during the birth!

Mother Paris is Itching

2006-04-07T10:57:00.000-04:00

Paris Hilton is ready to release a little something. Not a horde of crabs set free from her thong but an album that’s been in the works for three years. Its called, Paris Is Burning. For burning and itching I've heard that Monistat works really well. She should try it!

Declares Paris, "I loved doing the album. I've always had a great voice. I'm an icon. You either have it or you don't. It's something you're born with." Then she added, "I hate Nicole Richie!"

And how about playing a saint? Paris feels a bit off put by the choice of film maker T Rajeevnath to turn her into Mother Teresa. “I don't think we look alike!” cries Paris. Like, no way! Mother T did not wear couture, duh! But the filmmaker disagrees saying that the two share similar facial features.

Lest we think Paris knows nothing of the historical figure, she claims, “I love Mother Hubbard. Didn’t she like, live in a shoe? That's hot.”

Attack of the killer agent

2006-04-07T10:45:00.000-04:00

Either Mandisa's people came after Paula or someone forgot to pay her dealer…Miss Abdul was partying a few nights ago and some guy grabbed her arm and shoved her against the wall. A distraught Paula suffered a concussion and spinal injuries. I hope the concussion doesn’t interfere with her ability to form sentences. She needs to be coherent on American Idol. Yeah, right!

What happened was this: Paula and some pals went over to Xenii where she bumped into a former CAA agent, Jim Lefkowitz. Yeah, that guy. Lefkowitz probably didn’t realize Paula’s been on a cocktail of prespcription drugs for a while now, and mistook her hazy eyes and slurred speech as being cocky. He called her “smirky”. I think he was confusing "smirky" with being “high”.

He was so pissed at her 'tude that he gave her a little bump with his elbow and next thing you know, Miss Paula is on the floor, sprawled out and crying for something called Percoset. The thing we need to focus on is how immature Lefkowitz is here. What is he, like five years old? That's playground behavior. Dude, grow up, its friggin Paula Abdul. Leave her alone already!

According to Wenn News:
"She saw her own doctor and at the time of the report said she would make herself available for photographs (of her injuries)."

Straight buttons on a gay suit?

2006-04-07T01:16:00.000-04:00

When Starletta Jones was just a poor prosecutor she knew she had to either be a good lawyer or look good. She opted to look good. Or at least try.

Each time Star bought a cheap suit, she would trot down to the button store and take the time to thread her needle and sew Chanel buttons on a Lane Bryant suit. Shouldn’t she have spent more time on her cases?

Star donated fiddy- count them!- fiddy 50!- boxes of her old XXXXXL suits to Dress for Success. Sewing designer buttons on a cheap suit? Huh. Even back then she was faking it. OMG! I know what that reminds me of. .. when a woman marries a gay man and passes him off as straight!

Avril is getting married!

2006-04-07T00:44:00.000-04:00

Avril Lavigne is getting married to the guy who can beer bottles with his nostril. That's such an underrated talent. Not only can he open the bottle but can slip a wedge of lime into a Corona bottle using only his nose. Inventive little sucker isn't he? That show stopper will be incorporated into Avril's wedding to the magic man, Derrick Whibley.

Wedding plans include comedians (Rosie's pretty busy so you better book her now!) and a circus, live music and animals like the Duff sisters! I'm so kidding. I love Hilary! After the wedding extravaganza, Derrick and Avril will head to Paris where they will rent a villa and smoke cigarettes and eat croissants all day long. Then three months later, they'll get a divorce.

The Daily Ugly Celeb

2006-04-07T00:33:00.000-04:00

Josh Hartnett has a pube o' clock shadow. This is what happens when a goatee or beard has gone wrong. Patchy hair begins to sprout much like a bikini line in need of a good wax. Do I have to point out its not sexy? I don't care if this guy can have five hour tantric sex , staring at that stubble would make me want to speed things along so I could take an Epilady to his face.

Vanity Fair's Green Issue

2006-04-06T22:35:00.000-04:00

Yeah! It's the Green issue! The magazine is supposed to coincide with Earth Day which is a day where I run my car on olive oil and don't use aerosol hairspray or deoderent. Vanity Fair will tell us how to save the earth via famous people. Thank goodness, because I need some tips and hints from the likes of Clooney and Julia Roberts.

The May cover features a quartet of eco–power players, capturing Hollywood glamour and activist passion: Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Al Gore, Julia Roberts, and George Clooney, photographed by Annie Leibovitz. Articles inside address the pressing environmental issues of the day: Mark Hertsgaard reports on the reality of global warming; Michael Shnayerson writes on the Appalachian mountaintop-mining crisis; and a Green Guide offers up 50 simple things you can do in your daily life to help save the planet.

I for one am totally going to cut back on my use of private jets!

Its fo' real

2006-04-06T22:13:00.000-04:00

So its real. Unless she's wearing a very life like flesh colored leotard which seriously could be a possibility. Tom is quite crafty with the clay.

I heard this on the radio and then found it online. The paragraph completely validates what I've been saying all along which is that poor Katie has been brainwashed. We just need to crack the mystery of her pregnancy. Sperm donor from planet Teegeeack, perhaps? Or an intergalactic walrus? For Katie's sake, she needs to end Operation Snow White and come back to the normal, drug taking humans.

"The once vivacious actress is like a "Stepford" wife ever since she hooked up with Tom Cruise and Scientology. During an interview with the expectant parents for Parade, reporter Dotson Rader writes, "Holmes . . . wore a large diamond engagement ring. She seemed dazed, passive and vacant. She never stopped smiling." Holmes continued smiling through the interview as Cruise described how his father beat him, and as Cruise was "hooting how beautiful she was, touching and kissing her like a teenage boy on his first backseat date, aware that he was being watched." Creepy. "

source:pagesix

Pete is disgusting

2006-04-06T18:52:00.000-04:00

Nice jacked up teeth dude. Toothbrushes are a good thing.

Drug loving Kate Moss is going to be modeling for Calvin Klein. Apparently her cocaine addiction and public indignity did nothing to ruin her career. In fact, it helped. I think I need to have some kind of scandal to boost my occupation. Oh let's think.... sex tapes? It's been done. Drugs? No, I can't compete with Whitney Houston. I've got to find something good. Really good.

Kate’s CK deal is work $875,000. Not too shabby. I could buy my Infiniti FX45 and have funds left over to fly to Africa and help birth Angelina's baby if I took that job. I know of a pacifier she can borrow.

Snooty Burberry is now rethinking their decision, remember how they fired Kate's bony ass once those videos surfaced? Now she’s in a position to bargain!

She’s going to need some cashola because according to Female First, Kate is going to marry dirtbag heroin junkie, Pete Doherty this fall. But first he needs to fix his skank teeth. Those things are nasty and are dirtier than the bottom of a Porta Potty. Since he admits that he doesn’t brush his teeth, his mouth will soon like a tunnel of crumbling tombstones. Get that shit fixed.

Pete and Kate are going to be married in a Scottish castle, just like Madonna. I bet Lindsay Lohan will be a flower girl. And by flower I mean flour, and by flour, I mean powder and you get my drift.

This quote comes from Britain's Daily Star “The only way to save their romance is to save his teeth. Pete suffers from terrible halitosis because he rarely brushes his teeth.”

Another celeb that should remain quiet

2006-04-06T18:34:00.000-04:00

before his cross dressing transformation...

...and after! I think its quite an improvement.

Michael Douglas has an issue with men these days. He thinks they’re too girly! Michael would like to sit Ryan Seacrest down and tell him that he’s going overboard on the mani-pedi’s, facial scrubs, foundation and mascara. You know he wears tinted eye lash gel!

Michael is clearly talking about Jared Leto when he commented, "Young guys are somewhat androgynous and use cosmetics. The lines seem to be getting much closer." What lines? Not the lines in your face Mike because youve gotten botoxed over the years, admit it!

And lastly, Mike hates it when young people put him on a pedestal, "I'm getting tired of this sort of respectfulness they give me. When they start calling me Mr. Douglas, I'm like, 'Hey! Shut the f**k up!'" Nice! Sheesh, remind me not to tell him I enjoyed his work in Romancing the Stone!

I used to really like Michael Douglas... um, no I didn’t. I never liked him. He always seemed too jowly. I really really don’t like him now. I love men who wear makeup. But I can't stand men who get plastic surgery, hint hint!

Jordan

2006-04-06T11:02:00.000-04:00

According to Popbitch, model-actress- British sensation Jordan has an interesting way to keep her blind and disabled son Harvey busy on photoshoots- she tosses chips around the floor and lets Harvey pick up the strewn morsels. Our little lamb can crawl around, grabbing at the food his mother has tossed out for him.

I don't know whether thats mean, funny or a good idea. Poor Harvey! I can just imagine him crawling on a dirty floor picking up lint dusted crackers. Doesn't he have a nanny to care for him like every other famous persons kid? Maybe not. Jordan is such a hands- on mother!

This post is totally dedicated to MK at Dlisted. Darling, I'm sure Jordan would let you hand feed Harvey if you make the offer! Oh and pay for your flight over to the UK.

Ask the Magic 8 Ball

2006-04-06T01:46:00.000-04:00

Magic 8 Ball, was Mandisa voted off of American Idol because Paula is sleeping with Ace?

Concentrate and Ask Again.

Okay, did Mandisa get the boot because Paula is snorting coke and doing ecstasy, most likely with contestant Ace Young and is doomed to repeat the whole Corey Clake fiasco?

Without a Doubt.

Poor Mandisa! I thought for sure Ace was going to be sent packing and I was lighting candles and holding a vigil that Kellie Pickler would be going back to what ever turnip truck she fell off of. WRONG! I was way off this week.

Celeb Ugly of the Day

2006-04-06T01:41:00.000-04:00

Vivica A Fox should have never gone to Mexico to get her boobs done!

Priscilla is a vampire!

2006-04-06T01:36:00.000-04:00

Priscilla Presley is peddling some bedlinens but my real concern is her face. Either she drinks the blood of virgins and hangs upside down or she's been spending a little too much time at her plastic surgeons office. She looks like Frankenstein for goodness sakes!

If you look closely like I've been doing, you will notice one side of her face kind of pulls to the side and I don't think she has Bells Palsy. The surgeon sewed her face too tight!

Oh I know! This is like Weekend At Bernies - Priscilla is actually dead and people just keep dusting her off, and moving her from place to place, propping her up. Now the pallid skin and rigor mortis face make sense!

Brit to teach...hahahahaha.sex ed

2006-04-06T01:20:00.000-04:00

Britney Spears will be teaching sex education to college students across the country. Personally, I think this is a last ditch effort to revive her public persona. Can you seriously imagine Britney teaching you how to have safe sex?

Says Brit: "I think this is a wonderful career move for me. I feel that I have a lot of knowledge to offer students."

Yeah because we’ve all seen Chaotic when she goes on and on and on about how being with Kevin is "ecstasy". I don't want to hear it about Kevin's shlong! However, I'd be open to hearing all about Justin…

"Britney wants to share her stories and show college students how to be responsible and at the same time have fun.” Said Lynne Spears. Share her stories? Like what, how she lost her virginity to some redneck guy with a bowl cut in Louisiana when she was fourteen? Oops, have I said too much?

Getting safe sex tips from Britney is like getting diet tips from Star Jones. It makes no sense!

source:ONTD

Sharon

2006-04-06T01:08:00.000-04:00

Sharon Stone looks like she's sixty years old in this photo. Check out her man- hand clutching her baby's face. This bitch is scary! We should put her in a mud pit and have her wrestle Naomi Campbell. Pay per view.

Besides making a go at her singing career, Sharon is also assigning herself director to the Basic Instinct 3 movie. Since it did so well at the box office this past weekend. I think it earned $327.
But she thought it was a "fantastic" film and described it as being "great!"' and "amazing" ! I told you she was crazy!

Em to dee-vorce again

2006-04-06T01:05:00.000-04:00

There should be a flex plan for those celebs who marry and divorce and then marry and... then divorce.

Eminem would benefit from this plan as he is already divorcing his wife/ex-wife/ wife again. He was only remarried to Kim Mathers for the length of a menstrual cycle and now he's trying to divorce her.

Kim and Em tied the knot back in 1999 and divorced just 2 years later. The current marriage was over much quicker. Didn't he have an inkling as to what he was getting into the second time around? He must have a short memory. Or maybe it was her call.

Two divorces and two marriages in less than 3 years must be some kind of record, huh? I mean in the real world. Celeb marriages shouldn't even be legal.

Chad Michael Craddlerobber

2006-04-06T00:58:00.000-04:00

Maybe Chad Michael Murray should borrow Katie Holme's pacifier for his new little girlfriend and by little I mean jailbait. Look at her! She's old enough to be my daughter. Well, not quite but she looks to be about fifteen but she says she's eighteen. Chad needs to learn to think with his brain not with his weener.

His marriage to costar Sophia Bush was over before my sinus infection cleared up and now he's headed to the alter again with this chick. Why? My money says its over within a year, if that. Then he's on to the next hot young thing. Like Dakota Fanning.

K Fed's new single

2006-04-05T19:54:00.000-04:00

I like how the poster has to identify him as Husband of Britney Spears.

He dropped it. The new song, I mean.

Take a listen by clicking here. Seriously, the way he can combine Mike Tyson and Benjamin Franklin is pure genius. And the chorus? Its going to be stuck in my head like jerky in my teeth.

Rosie's family cruise

2006-04-05T17:35:00.000-04:00

Rosie took over a cruise ship and held families captive while she talked about ding dongs and koosh balls, HBO was on board to capture the uncomfortable moments. No, seriously, Rosie put together this cruise which is made up of gay families and HBO taped it and is showing it on April 6.

I wish I had sprung for the HBO package with my satellite dish but sadly I didn't so I can't watch. Wal Mart might not agree with me, but I'm all for anything that promotes tolerance and peace and love. That's why I enjoy celeb bashing! It's one thing everyone can be included in.

Popbytes has the goods on the show, click here for more information and to watch a trailer.

Faking it

2006-04-05T16:58:00.000-04:00

Now I'm convinced that isnt a real belly! See how flat she is on top? Fake! Fake! Fake! It's like she has her own shelf to prop a tray on. Of course she's going to be silent during the birth, she's not the one having the baby! Katie should fire the person who has been padding her belly. Ive seen better costuming on Sesame Street.

How much does a good surrogate go for these days anyway?

American Idol, Hee Haw Style

2006-04-05T15:05:00.000-04:00

Ryan and his ahem, beard

Did you see it, what did you think? If you missed the show last night, here's what you missed. Not much really. It wasn't the best. I think AI should limit the number of ballads sung each week. Seriously those song choices could have put a speed addict to sleep.

Taylor Hicks sang Take Me Home Country Roads by John Denver. I dug it but then again I'm a big, huge John Denver fan. I saw JD in concert when I was ten. He totally looked like cousin Oliver from the Brady Bunch. John, not Taylor.

Mandisa sang Any Man of Mine. I'm pretty unfamiliar with country songs and never heard of this one. It was eh. I wasn't blown away.

I just found out that Elliott Yamin's fans call themselves Yaminions. They must be the same legion of housewives that switched their allegiance from the Claymates. Elliot sang If Tomorrow Never Comes. It was here that Paula began to slur her speech and said Elliot sang with "careless, reckless....abandon" Sure! She makes no sense.

Paris Bennett warbled How Do I Live? Again, enough with the slow songs! Her hair was flat tonight.

Paula has the hots for Ace Young who is rumored to be sent packing tonight. Then she can date him! He sang Tonight I Wanna Cry. YAWN. He should cut his hair.

Kellie Pickler has dead eyes. I wonder if there's a personality in there? She sang Fancy which is a Reba McIntire song. She also admitting to thinking salmon was pronounced Sal-mon. OMG! She's wants to be Jessica Simpson.

Chris Daughtry is still my pick for the winner. He sang something called Making Memories of Us. He sang it well, but seriously, I was about to pop a pill to wake up. Was this Kenny Roger's doing? I love hard rockers. I wish Chris was taller because I'm not fond of short guys.

Katharine McPhee strutted around the stage to Bringing Out Elvis. I swear I thought she was saying Bringing out the Heiress. Huh?

Bucky Covington and Elliot should get two- for -one braces. He sang Best I Ever Had. I don't know what he was thinking choosing such a slow and boring song. I was half asleep here.

The whole night was a dud. I'm not really a country music fan- okay, Im not a fan at all- but even I know some groovy tunes that could have shaken things up a bit. Why don't they ever ask for my opinion?

Britney looks good for once!

2006-04-05T13:56:00.000-04:00

Britney finally got those roots touched up and her hair cut and is looking...dare I say, pretty! She is holding a bottle full of either apple juice or beer for her son, Sean Preston or as K. Fed likes to call him, Little P. I bet it's beer. Because Brit knows that apple juice will rot her son's teeth and there's nothing worse than a kid with brown teeth.

How come we never seen Kevin with Sean? Right, becuase he's in the studio getting ready to drop that new album like a pregnant girlfriend. His music rocks!

I think I've finally cracked the code as to why Britney is attracted to Kev. Ive been pondering this for like, the last year. In the award winning documentary that was broadcast on VH1 yesterday, we discover that Britney's father was..yes, a poor southern redneck who could barely make ends meet. And if girls marry men like their fathers, well then I think I see the attraction to Kevin. You should really check that show out if nothing else than to try and see what kind of plastic surgery Britney has undergone.

Matt's meat

2006-04-05T13:52:00.000-04:00

In a move that would make the PETA people see red, Matthew McConahoogy is trying to get his girlfriend, Penelope Cruz to eat meat.

Pen is a vegetarian and up until now has refused to let any animal products pass through her lips. But Matty loves to eat the meats and is urging Penelope to try one of his grilled masterpieces. Says Matt, “I taught her where to get the best tasting steaks in the world. It's off my grill."

And by grill, I think he means penis. Gah! He should just stick to playing those bongos.

Sharon tries to sing

2006-04-05T13:46:00.000-04:00

Sharon Stone knows her career is in the crapper so she’s looking for another gig. Basically she’s played out the ice queen sex goddess role to death and should be looking for roles where she doesn’t wear makeup, gains thirty pounds and actually acts instead of playing variations of her real life persona. I'm giving that little nugget to her free of charge. Take it to the bank, sister.

However good my advice is, Sharon is determined to forge a new career, that of singer. I can imagine her draped over a piano in a seedy jazz club crooning out some tunes, but I think she wants to be the next Madonna. Madonna? Try Yoko Ono. I bet she screeches like a cat in heat when she tries to carry a tune. Whatever my opinions are, Sharon is headed into the recording studio and has been writing songs for the last few months. Her song titles include,
Sex on the Kitchen Table, Getting It On, Naked and Ready, Wrapping My Legs Around Your Head and the crowd pleaser, My Bed Or Yours? In my wildest dreams I cannot imagine going into the store and buying a Sharon Stone cd.

David + Heather

2006-04-05T13:28:00.000-04:00

David and Heather? No way! Way!

Denise Richards has been chilling out with Heather Locklear since the two have so much in common. Both are going through divorces, both husbands were unfaithful (okay it hasn’t been official in the case of Richie Sambora but let's just suppose) and both are single moms looking for love. The two women have also been spending time with Heather's ex, Tommy Lee. He feels that its his “mission” to hook Denise up with some hot rockers. She should totally get it on with Nick Lachey although some would argue he’s not a rocker.

Heather, meanwhile, has moved on from dating men with big hair and tight pants and is looking for a funny man to make her laugh through the pain of her current situation. Where have we heard this before? Women will take funny over good looking anyday. Well, after their heart has been trampled on by the good looking guy. Denise Richards should look to one of the Blue Collar Comedy tour guys to lift her spirits. Redneck and funny? Now thats a winning combination!

David Spade has stepped in and has cheered Heather up with a heavy dose of dry humor and crude jokes. Apparently the two have been friends for a long time and now that friendship is blossoming into something more. I simply cannot imagine these two together and Im trying really hard to concentrate on it. I'm not going to believe it until I see proof. Like those Teri Hatcher-Ryan Seacrest photos!

Wonder Woman!

2006-04-05T13:16:00.000-04:00

I guess there’s not a lot of creativity going on during on in this 21st century because Joss Whedon of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame is remaking Wonder Woman. As you know there is also a remake of Dallas in the works. I can't wait until they brings Mama's Family to the big screen! That’s going to be so hot!

Actresses such as Sarah Michelle Geller and Charisma Carpenter want to get into Wonder Woman’s high waisted, blue starred panties but Kate Beckinsdale is the front runner. I loved Wonder Woman back in the day but it was the Bionic Woman doll that I played with all the time. When is that going to be made into a motion picture? I can see Paris Hilton in the lead of that film. Oh, wait sorry, I'm confusing that with the Bionic Cooter which is opening to a limited release.

A little somethin' for Katie

2006-04-05T13:05:00.000-04:00

Tom tells Katie: Suck this!

Kelly and John agree, birthing babies aint no time for fun!

Fellow freaks John Travolta and Kelly Preston are defending Tom’s insistence that Katie be silent during the birth of their child. We know that Katie must force a split tongued, horned alien down the narrow birth canal without making a peep. That should be easy for her now because Tom has created an adult sized pacifier for Katie to suck on while in labor. As if! She can bite down on it, suck it and chew it as long as she doesn’t utter profanities like, I don’t know maybe something along the lines of “WHY DID I SIGN THAT CONTRACT?”

John and Kelly have this to say about Katie giving birth, "There are unwanted emotions and pain that goes along with any birth." Kelly explains,"Screaming is fine... It's the words. If you can avoid saying certain phrases and words... Just try to keep it as quiet as possible. Of course you're going to groan and yell. It hurts. Just keep it to a minimum." All righty then.

That goodness Tom has that pacifier for Katie along with an ipod full of mellow music he selected for her. Star magazine sums it up like this and I'm paraphrasing here, "He’s prepared to do what he can to muffle the sounds of childbirth." Lile smothering Katie with that pillow she's been hiding under her shirt! This stuff just keeps getting crazier!

Cameron wins lawsuit

2006-04-03T22:33:00.000-04:00

Implants?

Don't look!

What, you've never made a bondage film?

There are photos out there in the universe that Cameron Diaz doesn't want you to see and she will sue your ass if you dare to even look at them. She hates and I mean HATES photographers. She also hates the people who look at pictures, people who look at her and people who look at her pictures.

Cameron Diaz won a recent lawsuit where John Rutter tried to sell topless photos of her. She sued his ass. Who hasn’t done that before? I mean pose topless, not sell photos. The guy was just trying to make a buck. Those pictures were taken several years ago, it's not like they were recent or anything.

"According to court papers, Rutter attempted to sell the images back to Diaz for $3.3 million and when she refused, he threatened to sell them to a European advertising firm for $5 million."

The judge ruled that the photos John took of Cameron will never be seen. I think the judge was a huge N*SYNC fan. Cameron gave him Justin's autograph and a concert video. The judge also "granted a permanent injunction on any sale, license or use of the shots and video."

This just teaches us all a very valuable lesson, don't pose topless for a photographer unless you have a contract! uh...oops!

DJ AM party!

2006-04-03T22:15:00.000-04:00

Don't feed the animals!

Nicole, some girl, and uber stylist to every Hollywood starlet, Rachel Zoe.

Dj Am had birthday party and I wasn't invited. Why? Because you had to be orange to get through the doors, note the above photo.

Pittology

2006-04-03T22:00:00.000-04:00

Brad Pitt hates living in squalor! And he wears ugly loafers. Check out those tan shoes paired with long jeans. And the ball cap! Seriously? A cap with those shoes? Who's dressing Brad these days, Maddox?

Sissy boy cannot handle living in a common Paris apartment and wants to move. However. Angelina wants to live like a regular person except with nannies and a full time maid and someone to cook for her. She is very demanding!

They both hate the pollution of the area with cars and trains going back and forth all the time. Brad has commented on the stench of the place. Like cabbage. But worse. Maybe like a fart out of Star Jones buttocks? How rude, I know! I've been drinking.

The latest hard hitting news reports say that Angelina wants to move to Africa and have her baby there. Maybe in a hut made of mud. No, that's too primitive for Brad. Leather shoes in a mud hut? As if!

Kabbalah Pride!

2006-04-03T19:44:00.000-04:00

Lindsay clearly got a hold of my Pottery Barn dust ruffle and fashioned it into a dress which shows an awful lot of creative genius on her part. But it leaves me with an unfinished bed which is not cool.

LL looks tired, must be from "exhaustion" wink, wink. Don't play coy with me Lohan! I know what you've been smoking/snorting.

Behold the power of the red string! Please note the five inch piece of yarn tied around her wrist meaning one thing. Well, two things. Either Anorexia Pride or Kabbalah. La Lohan says that she's into Kabbalah just like Demi, Ashton and Madonna. I'm really grateful that Xenu didn't pull her in on his spaceship and brainwash her into submitting to a Anal Emeter Thetan Clear body rub with a Submergence Brainwave Transmittal. If I had to chose a popular Hollywood cult, I would totally go with Kabbalah.

Tell me, Ms. Lohan, are you studying the mystical religion that is favored by none other than Madonna?

"Yes, I am looking into Kabbalah. All of us need something. You have to grab on to whatever gets you through."

Drugs, sex, car crashes, shopping...you know. Whatever.

The OC, that's Obsessive Compulsive to him

2006-04-03T19:39:00.000-04:00

"I SAID, ARE MY CANS LINED UP?"

I love a troubled guy! David Beckham is obsessive compulsive and that’s sexy. What I like is that he can be man enough to admit his flaws. Like the fact his wife has two wiffle balls for breasts and a strange pucker on her mug. And that he doesnt wear underpants when he plays soccer. Sexy!

On his own admission, David is like that husband from Sleeping With the Enemy who had to have his towels and soup cans all lined up perfectly. Says the soccer star, "I've got this obsessive compulsive disorder where I have to have everything in a straight line or in pairs. I'll put my Pepsi cans in the fridge and, if there is one too many, then I'll put it in another cupboard somewhere."

Can you believe it? He drinks Pepsi over Coke!

Duff stuff

2006-04-03T19:22:00.000-04:00

Oh Lizzie McGuire, what happened?

I know I used to make fun of Haylie Duff looking like a young Dick Van Dyke, what with that chin, but then someone pointed out that I'm probably fat and ugly and have no right to make fun of Haylie. That's right. I totally look like I've been in prison for years, Ive got the hardened look of a chain smoking criminal or Sharon Stone. So I have no right to comment on the Duffster! Plus I'm out of shape and my body looks like a Dunkin' Donuts cruller.

But I can say that Hilary Duff used to be super cute. She's had work done, its true. Teeth..obviously! And her nose is thinner, hair is darker and her lips are bigger. Damn, she's morphing into Teri Hatcher!

New boobs!

2006-04-03T19:14:00.000-04:00

Did you catch The View today? I didn’t. I was totally hung over from this weekend and was perched on a chaise lounge wearing my mink turban and oversized sunglasses. The screeching women would have made my pounding head feel like a woodpecker was drilling a hole in my brain. And I hate that!

I'm really sorry I missed Star Jones debut her new tits. Star explained that she needed the breast lift because she lost 150 pounds. WE KNOW. I saw her very long, floppy National Geographic boobs when she wore those low cut gowns. That’s how I lost ten pounds. I prefer fat pretentious Star rather than skinny bitch Star. Actually I hate them both. I know its cold but its the truth.

Baba Wawa demanded to know if Star was really near death. It was touch and go and we didn’t know if Star would pull through! So scary! Star blew off the reports that drs were trying kill her by slowing draining her blood. Mrs. Reynolds went on to say this: "Literally, by 8:30 the next morning I was having bacon and eggs." Should she really be eating like that? I would suggest a bowl of oatmeal but since it's Star, she should eat as much bacon, eggs, corned beef hash, pigs feet and lard as she can. Every single day.

Jada Pinkett wants to kill me and suck my blood

2006-04-03T18:20:00.000-04:00

Its a man, baby!

She's coming for me!

Jada used to be so cute and really sassy and cool. And now? It looks like she wants to reach into my nightmares and kill me. Jada also appears to be a man. What's with the black lipstick and hair? I see a mustache too. No really, she has sideburns. Jada, please! Wax it!

I'm all for leather and whips and shit like that but I'm not really into women dressing like men. I guess Will Smith is. I bet even he's afraid she's going to kick his ass. Check out those guns. She's packing heat, I know it.

Jada's morphing into something. I'm too scared to look at the picture to figure what it is for fear that face will haunt me. I think its like an evil cartoon character or a Disney villain.

Letter of Troof, Part 17

2006-04-03T18:02:00.000-04:00

Y'all, I aint pregnant! I's just fat! I wuz tryin' so hard to get that baby weight off but I just cant do it. I cant say no to the cheetos and the french fries. Or the fried shrimp dipped in mayo. Or the deep friend double stuffed Oreos. Uh...or the frappacinos and mocha blended drinks. And those uh, Hostess Snowballs, you know those pink ones rolled in coconut and icing? Yeah. Can't say no to any of it. Oh and you gotta try the double fried Twinkies! Dipped in chocolate. Ummm. Not like I eat those things all the time though. Cause I gotta git in shape, I's gonna tour soon! And Kev's gonna be mah opening act and he's gonna sing Popozao, that song is ...well, I wouldnt say its hot but its good. Real good, y'all.

Peoples going around sayin' Im having another baby but it ain't true. And Kev loves me for what I am, he likes me all curvy and stuff. He says loves having somethin' to hold on to at night. We love each other so much, really. No, really! And I love the fact that Im married and that Jessica Simpson is gitting a dee-vorce. Hee hee! That makes me laugh. And I know I wuz better in Crossroads than she was in the Pukes of Hazzard. And I have a cute baby and she's got a dog. Not not Ashlee, I mean a real dog. And Jamie Lynn is totally way cuter than Ashlee! And thats the troof!

MI:3- Erection Impossible

2006-04-03T17:49:00.000-04:00

Tom being... what's the word? Right. Glib

Here Tom demonstrates how far the pillow sticks out under Katie's shirts

"Wave your hands in the air like you don't care and rock out to the power of Xenu!"

"Huh. I haven't considered that. I don't think she can leave the house when I've inserted a homing device in her medula oblongata. HA HA HA HA!"

Tom Cruise flew over Germany on his intergalactic space machine to promote Mission Impossible 3. The only reason I would see this movie is if I were promised a pair of new shoes after it ended. Okay and for Keri Russell. I love her!

Tom recently appeared on the show “Wettendass” which I wish we got over here. That show seems like a full on party. Why did Tom leave Katie back home when she is due to have that "baby" any day now? Because he knows we think he's one lithium short of a mental case and he needs the forgeign support. Katie’s being watched over via webcam, microchip and James Bond style spying devices, fear not. She also has a babysitter and a host of handlers.

Meanwhile, Tom's co- star, glassy eyed coke- head Jonathan Rhys Meyers said that Tom is totally hard core on the set of the film and he has a tight ass. Or he runs a tight ship…which was it? Umm…I think his ass is tight and so is his acting technique. Oh well, here is the direct quote:

"Tom runs a very tight ship. Luckily, I don't drink because you do not turn up to a Tom Cruise film set hungover. You do not turn up late and you don't muck around. He will not stand for any s**t. He's strict with himself and everyone he works with."

Whatever! Tom is probably anal retentive and has to have everything his way like a little girl. Anyway, Katie went shopping and picked out a bunch of pink stuff so now everyone is in a dither than no, they aren't having a Hubbard, they are having an Elronda. Personally I think Katie is trying to throw me off her trail by buying both pink and blue spacesuits. It's a boy! It's a girl! It's both! Katie is "giving birth" to a hermaphrodite!

American Idol

2006-04-03T16:46:00.000-04:00

Kenny Rogers will be performing on American Idol on Wednesday, the results show which I always skip because its stupid and drawn out. I know Kenny is like 102 years old but with the botox and collagen, thats only 78 in famous people years. His face always looks like my car, buffed and shiny. My car? No, I meant to say my ass.

The theme this week is country: lots of banjo and twang. I can't wait to hear Bucky mangle the words to the Devil Went Down to Georgia and Chris Daughtry sing Honkytonk Badonkadonk. That song rocks!

I hope the kids aren’t stuck singing Kenny Rogers songs. Kellie Pickler singing Islands in the Stream would make my ears bleed. Suds in a Bucket last week gave me hives. And the people over at votefortheworst.com agree. Pickles has gots to go!

I seriously can't wait until April 11 when they will bring back Freddy Mercury from the dead and sing Queen songs! Who’s gonna sing Fat Bottomed Girls? Taylor Hicks!

Angie and Maddog

2006-03-31T19:23:00.000-05:00

I'm going to take a page from Angie's book and wear nothing but black, all the time. No other color shall enter my wardrobe.

Maddox and his mom sure do spend a lot of time together but I have to admit I'm a little concerned that I haven't seen Zahara lately. Why isn't she being squired around? Because Maddox is the king! There shall be no other before him. What's going to happen when the new baby arrives? Im worried. At least Angie stopped carrying him. I bet he didnt know his legs even worked until three months ago.

Recently Maddox wanted a tattoo and Angelina was happy to take him for a real one but Brad put his foot down. He didn't think a real tat was a good idea for kid, even if it was a symbol of love and peace. Brad exercised his parental authority and allowed a single henna tattoo for Maddox Jolie-Pitt. I bet Angie is the coolest parent on the planet. I hear Maddox has his very own motorcycle and a castle with a full staff available twenty-four/seven.